The Problem Of CWAGS

NWG is well aware of how troublesome her gender can be.

We moan. We criticise. We demand. We nag.

We sell our stories to magazines when we find out our photos have been leaked for huge amounts of money.

We demand our fiancees to return from tours to reassure us that we still have a meal ticket...whoops, NWG means, a relationship.

We don't mind if this means our country is without their vice-captain. We are more important whilst our looks are still intact and we can fit in to tiny dresses that show a bit too much.

We mess up tours.

We confuse our husbands when we get pregnant and make them forget what their job is.

We are CWAGS and we are here to stay.

What's Happened?

The world has gone mad. Officially. No, NWG has not just been to see Alice in Wonderland or taking advice from ex-Welsh rugby players sucking pennies (oh come on, really?). She's talking about England's performance in their warm up game.

Things that are normal:

KP failing to score runs.

Trott scoring runs.

Bell getting out before making a half century.

It's cold.

They never show the warm-up games on TV.

Things that are not normal:

Plunkett actually playing a game, he's bowling and everything.

Flintoff being a captain on the new sports quiz show.

Cook bowling. Yes, that's right. This is what happens when you become captain. You think you are suddenly the greatest cricketer in the world. You are not invincible. You cannot bowl, as evidenced by your bowling figures.

5-111.

No. That is not a typing error. He bowled five overs for 111 runs.

Now NWG is no genius, but even she can figure out that those are bad numbers. And even NWG can figure out that for someone who never bowls (NEVER), to start now is just not sensible. Cook would have been better off asking the umpires to bowl. Or England's mascot. Or the massive insects that you can see whizzing about.

May this be a lesson to him for the future. That's all that NWG can ask.

Ryan Is A Waste

And there it is. Ryan is injured and now back home in England.

This leaves England in a bit of a pickle, with Stuart Broad with a bad back (or something) and Graeme Onions still out.

Now, aside from the fact that NWG is not the biggest Ryan fan, his injuries have become a long list of failing body parts.

Andy Flower says it's because he's had a big workload over the last year.

Er, Andy, no he hasn't.

Ryan has hardly played any international cricket. He turned up for the Twenty20 last summer, but then he only has to bowl four overs a match, and his batting has never been too energetic.

This is a sign of a bowler getting old (and karma). There comes a time to put out the bowler to the scrap heap, where he can frolic in the meadows, make daisy chains and swim in the lake just for fun.

But will Ryan go quietly? NWG thinks not. He will kick up a fuss, he will claim to be fit again and take up a space in the squad, only to dislocate an ear lobe or have split ends and he will ultimately deny a new bowler a cap and a try out in the England side.

That Was A Close One

Bangladesh are rubbish, they say.

Second rate, they say.

Not true, NWG says.

They are a pretty handy side and if it wasn't for Eoin Morgan today, they would have been sunk.

He also becomes the first ever cricketer to score centuries for two international teams. NWG can't decide if this is a good or a bad thing, or whether KP is a green-eyed monster over this (answer: probably).

Points For Andrew Strauss

While his team (yes Alastair, it's yours to borrow, to rent, to own temporarily) is out in Bangladesh (and winning, incidentally), NWG has been giving serious thought to how Strauss should be spending his time.

1. Farming. Apparently Cook wants to become a farmer when he has finished with cricket. What better way to stamp your authority by usurping your understudy and building an amazing farm (NWG was thinking Emus - they're crazy, lamas - also crazy animals, sheep - that's just sensible, right? And giraffes - not for eating, obviously, but for their poo. They must have loads of it, and can surely be used in some kind of recycling machine for electricity).

2. Playing rugby. The England rugby team need some help. Strauss could definitely do with some team sports whilst sitting out this tour, and also, imagine standing in his way whilst he's running up the wicket? You would be flattened.

3. Doing yoga. Flexibility is key to inventing new shots. If Strauss could get his leg over his head, or his arms wrapped round his legs inside out, he could fool all the fielders and leave KP in his wake.

4. Become a restaurant critic. NWG has always fancied this job. Going to great restaurants and being paid for it. Sounds like an amazing idea. Although could have the unfortunate outcome of Strauss putting on a bit of weight. Perhaps NWG is confusing what she wants for Strauss, and what she wants for her. Scrap this point.

5. Star in a reality TV show. There's loads to choose from. NWG hears there will soon be a show about a bunch of celebrities going to the North Pole. Shane Richie is rumoured to be taking part. Strauss will fit in perfectly. Or the opera star one (would be highly amusing).

India Rule

Tendulker, the run machine, scored more runs today than England normally make in their entire innings.

And South Africa lost.

Bravo.

Impressive.

Show off.

The Aussie's Are Invading

Otis Gibson abandoned England (albeit for a better job). And now there is a vacancy for England's bowling coach.

The frontrunner is none other than Michael Kasprowicz.

Now NWG doesn't want to be mean. But, really?

When there are Allan Donald or Shaun Pollock on the list, why go for the Australian? Is this a secret ploy to secure some insight for the Ashes (they seem to come by quicker and quicker every time)? Is he really the best guy for the job?

NWG is concerned.

Was he really that great a bowler?