Wednesday, 10 September 2008

A Play. By Nightwatchgirl.

Michael Vaughan enters the Bank Manager's Office, he ends a phone call on his mobile whilst also listening to loud music on his ipod. He sits down on the chair opposite the Bank Manager's desk. Michael wears the full England training kit and carries an umbrella. He wears three gold rings on various fingers and has a large, gold chain around his neck. He has a big grin on his face. The Bank Manager, Barry, wears a suit and tie. He is also smiling.

In this skit Michael Vaughan is a wannabe rude boy from Peckham (read Manchester). Barry is from Mayfair.

Barry: Hello Mr. Vaughan. Terribly sorry about your recent loss as captain of our great nation.

Michael: Whassup Bazza. Ain't no prob mate, me got the new contract and I is rolling in it, innit.

Barry: Excellent. Well, you'll be pleased to know that your central contract has been deposited in to your account, and our discussion the other week about buying the Bentley is now more of a possibility.

Michael: Yes mate (makes hand gestures), that is banging. I is going to have Michael Vaughan in red stitching on all the seats, you get me. And massive screens so I can play Brian Lara on me playstation to get me batting up to standard.

Barry: Er. Excellent. (shifts uncomfortably in his seat, but Michael continues)

Michael: That KP is a fool. He finks I actually want to get back in the team, innit, but what's the point when they're paying me to not to play? I is going to sit this winter out, mate. And the summer. (laughs uncontrollably)

Barry: Well, we need to discuss your long term investments and your pension plan.

Michael: Yeah, whatever. (Michael's phone rings. He answers) Yes mate. How's it going? Nah, Goughy, I ain't feeling it, I'm buying me Bentley this afternoon. Later. (Michael ends the conversation) Baz, I gotta roll. Check you later, rudeboy.

Michael leaves the Bank Manager's office. He passes Matthew Hoggard who is just about to enter. They exchange a complicated set of hand gestures to indicate a greeting. Just as Michael is about to leave, Matthew kicks him in the shin and shouts abuse at him, before mugging Michael for his phone and wallet.

Revenge. A dish best served cold (no carbohydrates please). Vaughan, a batsman incapable of scoring runs. Hoggard, a bowler left out in the cold, to fend for himself because of a side strain. One has a central contract for no apparent reason. The other has a baby called Ernie, no contract and a Times column. Where is the justice?

Lights fade to black.


Anonymous said...

This is a real good one, NWG.
It took me three readings before it hit me.

She is in the dark.
You dimmed off the stage lights -
and left the 'blind' lady behind,
- Justice, I mean.

The Nightwatchgirl said...

Er. Exactly, chinaman, That is exactly what I meant. Exactly. Justice is blind, stupid and biased.
(justice is also known as peter moores)

Anonymous said...

As much as i do like Michael him a central contract was ridiculous.
How can we ever move forward if we keep relying on the past.
The Ashes team of 2005 was a fantastic combination of talent that had gelled over the years.
I remember saying to my boyfriend that we would never see that team play together again as sad as it was.
Now we must build for the future and give encouragement to the players out there who will hopefully fulfill our dreams again one day.
Not sure about the increment contracts or whatever it is they were called..maybe it was excrement?
I like Bob Willis saying they were just breadcrumbs off the table..just the ECB wanting more control over fringe players.
I just wish we wouldn't keep being
made a laughing stock of!

The Nightwatchgirl said...

Val, you are a wise woman.

Anonymous said...

*applauds wildly*

*throws flowers on stage as Nightwatchgirl takes curtain call*

*sobs into Hoggard testimonial hanky*

The Nightwatchgirl said...

Note to self: Tell Matthew about releasing a testimonial hanky, entitled: "The Workhorse was Robbed."

Other note to self: Have a nightwatchgirl testimonial.