Happy New Year NWG Readers

NWG just wanted to say Happy New Year to all. She hopes you all have a very happy 2010, but most of all she hopes England cricket continues having a winning streak...

Go England.

(and no, she's not sure why she chose this picture, before you ask.)

Huh. Who'd Have Thought It?

Well, there we are then. England win.

Wait. England managed to thrash South Africa by an innings.

That kind of thing doesn't happen every day. In fact, it hardly ever happens.

And whatever the result for the next Test, England have had a pretty wonderful year.

Swann has had a fabulous year.

And ok, the Test was wrapped up pretty early this morning, and no, NWG may have not watched it live (late night), but waking up to great news is a rather rare event.

Hurray for England. And Swann. And Strauss. And Broad. And Matthew Hoggard (did anyone see him joining the Barmy Army and having a sing song? Genius.)

Post-Christmas Cricket

Is there anything better? Whilst it's cold, rainy and did NWG mention cold? Those England boys, having digested their turkey, and make the effort to entertain us.

How nice.

And it's not going too badly, either.

Graeme Swann is soon becoming one of NWG's favourites. Yes, he isn't liked by everyone. NWG can understand he's a bit of a marmite fixture, but he's actually rather good. And he has a wicked smile, which NWG quite likes.

And let's not forget Andrew Strauss. Fastest Test 50. Nice.

Thanks England.

Matthew Wishes All NWG Readers A Happy Christmas

"Out of 5, how much do I love NWG?"

Oh, shucks, Hoggie, you're making NWG blush a little.

OK, NWG Is Trying

NWG has tried her best to find some pictures of the England cricket team with some kind of christmas theme going on, but, alas, this is the best she could do.

Still. It's not that bad. Ricky is smiling after all.

The Boys

NWG thought it appropriate to have a photo up. Look how happy they are.

A Draw's A Draw

So today was historic.

England escape again.

Graham Onions is a genius and NWG thinks he maybe should replace Alastair Cook as an opener.

Yes, it's Cardiff all over again.

Go England.

South Africa vs South Africa

There comes a point in any cricketer's life, when they will play against the country they were born in.

Wait, NWG needs to re-write that.

There comes a point for a cricketer playing for England, when they will play against the country they were born in.

And today was that day.

KP and Trott. South Africa vs South Africa.

OK, so it didn't last that long. And no, Trott didn't score a double hundred. And no, KP has not been booed especially loudly.

Still, it was quite funny.

Even funnier is that Trott is friends with the South African team. Can it get better? Yes, frankly, it can. Because Trott was seen celebrating with the South Africans when they beat Australia. And Trott goes to lunch with Steyn. And Trott's friends with Harris. And the South Africans got in to trouble because of it. Befriending the enemy.

And it's all rather amusing.

Morning All

Graeme Smith out for 0.

That's it.

To IPL Or Not

NWG has new found respect for James Anderson and Stuart Broad. They have come out and said they're not interested in going to the IPL and they would rather focus on their England careers.

Yes.

Did you hear that KP? Freddy?

Country before money.

It sounds so simple.

They prefer to play cricket for their country rather than check their bank account.

Listen to them, boys.

They speak sense.

Injuries, Rain and Complaining

NWG can imagine that being a professional cricketer would be pretty cool. Travel the world; play cricket; paid loads of money; representing your country (or the one you've resided in long enough); winning the odd match here and there. NWG could go on, but she's bored now.

Yet, despite all the wonderfulness, the admiration, there are some that still complain.

Let's take KP, mr. moan. Oh it's rained and I haven't had enough practice. Oh, my ankle hurts. Oh, my ankle won't heal. Oh, I'm always booed in South Africa, it's not fair. Oh, everyone likes Jonathan Trott now and not me. Oh, I miss my wife. Life's so unfair. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Suck it up, KP. Score some runs, that might help.

You don't hear James Anderson having a moan, do you? He's got a bad knee, but still manages to take wickets.

KP is in need of a stern talking to.

Who has the guts?

Rain Rain Stay A While

One of NWG's favourite things in the whole world is when a team doesn't have to do anything to win.

Today it rained.

Today England won the ODI series against South Africa.

They didn't need to do anything.

The rain was their batsmen, bowlers and fielders.

And the rain got man of the match (champagne, a car and a cheque if you're interested).

Go England.

NWG Is Sorry

OK, OK, so NWG has been rubbish lately. She's been so busy that she's missed watching the games live and had to cope with watching the highlights.

Poor.

Watching England win is brilliant.

Watching England win when you know they've won not so much.

But, haven't they done well? NWG is a little surprised by the last game. Jonathan Trott is bloody excellent. As is James Anderson. As is Andrew Strauss.

Someone who isn't so brilliant is KP. Nothing more needs to be said.

Jonathan Trott Is A Hero

As good as South Africa are (and they definitely are), England seemed to win yesterday with relative ease. This is because:

1. Most of the England players feel very at home in South Africa (NWG doesn't understand why).

2. Eoin Morgan is really rather good.

3. Paul Collingwood was out to impress as the most capped One Day player (and he needed a good game).

4. England were happy that the first game was a wash out because it proves that it's not only England that gets rained on.

5. Turns out that Trott can bowl. Who knew?

6. KP only scored 4. It's always a good sign when he doesn't make a big total.

And that is the dossier on why England won. Let's hope no South African players read NWG and take all those secrets and brilliant insights in to the next game.

Be A Man

Injuries happen to the best of us. We've all been there. Stubbed a toe. Hit a funny bone. Sprained an ankle on a night out....

But the England team has had a horror attack of the injury train.

Same thing has happened to the England rugby team. But that's rugby. It's meant for injuries. Huge men, running at each other, it's a given that people will get hurt.

But cricket?

There is no physical contact. All that's required is some running, a bit of throwing, holding a bat, avoiding being hit on the head (or face, no Ricky, NWG has not forgotten the state of your lip at the Oval) by the ball.

James Anderson has a bad knee.

Stuart Broad has hurt his shoulder.

Alastair Cook has a bad back.

Paul Collingwood also has a bad back.

Graeme Swann has done something to his muscles in his ribcage.

Looking at the state of that list, England's tour in South Africa does not look good.

What can be done to protect the cricketer? Some say they play too much of the game and it's bound to happen that players will get injuries. But that's not true.

The England team need to stop being whiny. So your shoulder hurts? Get over it. Run it off. Think about something else. Be a man. Pull yourself together (and any other platitudes anyone else can think of).

Your country needs you.

Questions Questions

Can someone please explain to NWG how Cook came in before Trott, KP and Morgan?

And why is he playing Twenty20 cricket?

And why was he captain?

And how come South Africa were able to score so many runs?

And why was England's bowling so badly?

Matthew Has A Home

A Hoggard is for life, not just for Christmas, Leicestershire.

They've taken him in from the cold. He was all hungry and thin. And now he's captain (that's not meant to rhyme).

And now there is happiness.

What a Christmas present for the Hoggard family and NWG. She can rest easy now, despite not being able to talk because she has laryngitis. Her friends are very happy because she's never been so quiet.

She would shout for joy for Matthew, but that's impossible for her. Only a little squeak. But that's ok, it's the sentiment that counts.

Michael Vaughan Is A Genius

Yes it's true. Michael Vaughan and NWG had a bit of a pow wow over Matthew Hoggard and his shameful treatment by Yorkshire.

Michael agreed with NWG. Yorkshire were mean.

And you know what happens to mean people?

They lose cricket games.

NWG Is Back

Hello friends and enemies alike. NWG has returned after a little break. It seemed fitting after a long summer of cricket, she needed to change her scenery.

And then the India v Australia series started.

And now she's sucked in to the cricket world, once again.

And it feels great to be back.

NWG received a present the other day. The box set of the Ashes series on DVD. Oh how she passed the hours happily watching the Oval Test. And Lord's. And Cardiff.

She still can't really understand how England escaped at Cardiff, even though it actually happened.

Lord's was just as good as she remembered.

But it was the Oval that really was the most interesting. Mainly because NWG was hardly able to appreciate what was happening given that she was actually there.

Pardon NWG - What Did You Say?

James Anderson as captain of England.

What?

Did NWG wake up in the twilight zone this morning?

If NWG was feeling a bit charitable, she could probably just about see it, but it would like Prince Harry being King. A lot of stuff would have to happen to get to that point.

Where would Andrew Strauss go?

Is James really up to it, or has April Fools come a bit early?

Cricket Trumps: Andrew Strauss vs Ricky Ponting

Ricky:

Height: not that tall.

Weight: quite spindly.

Age: pretty old.

Skill: being a captain. Pretty handy batsman. Also quite useful slip catcher.

Best known for: Being moody. Having a scar on his face inflicted by Harmison. Complaining. Losing the Ashes. Twice. Winning the Ashes a couple of times. NWG forgets how many.

Andrew:

Height: not that tall.

Weight: solid.

Age: thirtyish.

Skill: great batsman. Excellent captain. Slip fielder.

Best known for: sportsmanship. Smiling. Being happy. Winning the Ashes. Not being Knighted. Not being captain for a ridiculous amount of time given how great he is.

NWG gives this round to Andrew.

Woo.

Cricket Trumps: Ryan Vs Matthew

Ryan:

Height: insignificant.

Weight: podgy.

Age: irrelevant.

Skill: debatable. Supposedly a bowler.

Best known for: shouting at fielders. Looking moody. Having ridiculous hair. Being dropped from the England team.

Matthew:

Height: perfect in every way.

Weight: Just the right amount.

Age: Erm. Thirtyish.

Skill: bowler. Excellent.

Best known for: great hair, calm demeanor, having a son called Ernie, being unceremoniously dropped by England and then sacked by Yorkshire. So very wrong.

Who wins?

Well this may come as a huge surprise to all, but NWG thinks that Matthew has just tipped this one.

NWG Goes That One Step Further

NWG is taking it to another level.

Facebook clubs:

Brett Lee - 3 groups. Not impressive.

Ricky Ponting: 6 groups in favour. 3 against (shut it ricky ponting [205 members incidentally], those who hate ricky ponting, ricky ponting sux [their spelling, not NWG's]).

Andrew Strauss - 6 groups (positive), 1 against (we hate andrew strauss - what?).

Andrew Flintoff - 10 groups in favour. To be honest, there may be more, but NWG lost interest [one group is actually called Andrew Flintoff should be PM - 106 members. Worrying.)

Kevin Pietersen - 9 groups (NWG lost count again), a couple negative, one of which is called kevin pietersen is not English (62 members) (you think?).

Matthew Hoggard - 9 (!) groups, including the global matthew hoggard appreciation society. NWG needs to join that one.

Shane Warne - loads. Including: Let shane warne have sex, anti-shane warne and, NWG's favourite, the church of shane warne.

Graeme Smith - 7 positive (one group has, wait for it, one member, that's it). Some not so: axe graeme smith, graeme smith should be shot, we love graeme smith - not.

Daniel Vettori - some positive (the sons of daniel vettori, the golden boy of new zealand cricket, and NWG's favourite: is robert flunder the looky likey of daniel vettori? NWG is guessing no) . Some not so much: daniel vettori is the worst NZ cricket captain of all time, the anti-daniel vettori group.

Mahendra Singh Dhoni has no groups that NWG could find. Disappointing.

The Competition To End All Competitions

So NWG doesn't have much to do these days, what with all the international cricket having a little break, so to amuse herself she decided to do a little experiment.

Who is the most popular cricketer (decided by the almighty google)?

Andrew Strauss: 1.28 million hits.

Andrew Fintoff: 984,000.

Kevin Pietersen: 1.03 million.

Brett Lee: 6.23 million.

Ricky Ponting: 1.85 million.

Matthew Hoggard: 506,000.

Mahendra singh dhoni: 1.2 million.

Shane Warne: 772,000.

Graeme Smith: 1.26 million.

Daniel Vettori: 1.23 million.

And there it is. Conclusive proof that Brett Lee is, in fact, the most popular cricketer in the world (well, as far as NWG could be bothered).

Who knew?

NWG is bored....

Yorkshire Have No Soul

The row escalates between Matthew and Yorkshire.

NWG firmly believes Yorkshire are being thoroughly mean. They try and spread rumours of him wanting more money (lies).

We are talking about Matthew Hoggard here. He is not grasping.

This is the conversation between Matthew and and Yorkshire:

MH: "eh up, when do we start winter training then?"

Y: "well, Matthew, despite you being our leading wicket taker, we are sacking you."

MH: "oh. Shall I make a cup of tea and we can discuss this?"

Y: "no. Please leave."

See? Yorkshire are horrible.

Proof if need be.

Matthew Is No More

NWG is so sad. Yorkshire have done something unforgivable.

They've sacked Matthew Hoggard.

Traitors.

But this leaves him free to play for Surrey or become a Sky commentator.

Yorkshire - NWG will never forgive you.

The Week In Review

This is what always happens. NWG doesn't write a post for a few days and then a load of cricket stories land on her lap.

1. Harmison out for the South Africa tour. Not unexpected, but still feels a bit mean.

2. Liam Plunkett in. This is one of the strangest stories. Dropped in to obscurity and now back into the England squad. Could be a decent player, though will always remind NWG of a teddy bear.

3. KP wrongly thinking (and saying) that he expects the abuse in South Africa to be not as bad as last time because they "respect me for what I've done." NWG fears this will only anger them more and increase abuse by at least ten-fold. Silly boy.

4. How could NWG forget? Australia won the Champions Trophy. Woo. Next.

5. NWG was lucky enough to go to the Lord Taverner's Dinner on Tuesday and she met a host of cricket stars, including: Ashley Giles, The King of Spain, Geoffrey Boycott, Tony Grieg, Mark Butcher and Bob Willis. This was pretty overwhelming for her and she left feeling a little tipsy and very happy.

It's Happened

NWG is only able to write this post now as she has been totally over-excited by the incredible game yesterday.

Possibly the greatest game NWG has ever seen.

Australia v New Zealand - the big guns. The top teams. The excitement. The thrill.

And what a game it was.

Vettori didn't even show up.

Shane Watson continued scoring more runs than Philip Hughes can ever dream of.

Brendan McCullum proved that wearing wicket keepers gloves does not mean a catch is easier.

A final to end all finals.

And they say that the 50 over game is dead.

The Big Game. Again

England lose to Australia.

Hang on, hasn't this already happened?

For all those England fans who had high hopes that England would continue their winning streak against Australia, they were sorely disappointed as England were thrashed.

Beaten to a pulp.

Trodden on.

Mauled.

Exterminated.

Destroyed.

And now there is no England cricket for ages.

How will NWG fill her time when there's no England team being thrashed?

All's Unfair In Love And Prizes

NWG is a very unhappy person today.

Andrew Strauss, the wonderful captain of England, has lost out to being named ICC Cricketer of the Year to Mitchell Johnson.

Yes, the man who forgot how to bowl.

What a travesty.

Wrong on so many levels.

And now, to top it all off, England will most likely lose against Australia today (again).

Fridays suck.

Yes, England Lost, So What?

NWG has moved on already. The match may have been over about an hour ago, but she has found pastures new.

Namely, this KP ad for some hair product.

Oh, doesn't he look good? (please note sarcasm).

What NWG really wants to know is who does he think he is?

(answers on a postcard or in the comments section - whichever is easier)

To Allow Or Not?

NWG can't quite believe that she is writing this. But....

England just won.

Again.

Beating South Africa.

But, she is slightly concerned over whether Andrew Strauss should have allowed Graeme Smith a runner or not.

On the one hand, NWG thought that given Andrew's current trend of being a great sportsmen that he wouldn't think twice about letting Graeme have a little rest.

On the other, had there been some funny business regarding Shah going off the field?

Whichever is the reason, NWG is fearful for the South Africa series. They will be out for revenge, which is worrying.

England v Sri Lanka

As NWG writes this, England are doing ok.

NWG knows, she's in shock too.

It's currently 52-4.

Is that Sri Lanka playing badly or England playing well?

NWG is unsure.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

As much as NWG wishes that all cricket ended in August when England won the Ashes (and then England could have kept them forever - alas), she accepts that it must go on.

There will always be more cricket.

And so, the ICC Champions Trophy has begun.

Is it interesting? Probably not.

Is that because England have absolutely no chance, not even if it was just England and Scotland left, of winning? NWG doesn't think so.

But that's fine. NWG can accept that England are not the greatest ODI side. She's moved on.

What's far more interesting is what's coming out of Gary Kirsten's mouth at the moment. Because it's not, as one would expect, 'train harder,' 'practice fielding,' and the like.

No.

And it's way better than Justin Langer's dossier on the bad points of the England team (well done, Justin by the way. NWG has yet to congratulate you).

Kirsten has decided that way to increase India's aggression is to advise all his players to have more sex.

NWG would have loved to have seen the face of of some ECB official if that had been Andy Flower's advice during the Ashes.

For this reason, NWG has decided that after supporting England, her loyalty will go to India.

Ricky's Pain

"We would have lost the one day series 7-0 to win the Ashes."

Ricky, that's exactly what Andrew Strauss said to the devil in July (well, he actually said 1-6, just to keep the fans at bay).

She Told You So

See how well NWG is doing?

New Look England

This may come as a surprise to many. It may shock some. But NWG has some good news about the England ODI side.

Finally.

This morning NWG received a phone call from the ECB. It didn't last for long. There was not much chit chat. It was a business call.

Because today, NWG can exclusively reveal that she, yes, NWG, will be playing in tomorrow's game.

And not only that. She will be playing alongside Matthew Hoggard.

What may shock you even more is that NWG and Matthew will be the only players for the England side.

This is because we have more chance of beating Australia than the current team.

NWG will be batting, bowling, fielding and wicket keeping.

In fact she will be so busy, she better go and practice.

Wish her good luck (not that she'll need it. Let's face it, it couldn't get much worse.)

Shock Horror

NWG knows how all England fans thought that a 6-0 Australian lead would be unthinkable.

Impossible.

Unimaginable.

It's happened.

And what worse? The 15 year old, Paine (pain in the neck if you ask NWG), scored a century which was way passed his bedtime.

England: be embarrassed. Very embarrassed.

But Strauss wasn't out.

That's why England lost.

Fred The Freelance

What has this world come to when a player rejects a contract for their country?

A bad one is the answer.

Flintoff has made the unfortunate decision to not renew his England contract and will instead work on a freelance basis.

This means he can turn games down.

This is bad and spells disaster for England.

Flintoff - you may be lounging around the pool in Dubai, but you are wrong.

NWG is ashamed.

(no KP, you can't do the same. Sit back down.)

Strauss For King

NWG is very pleased that Andrew Strauss has made it into the final shortlist for ICC cricketer of the year.

Here are the reasons why he should win it:

1. He won the Ashes (rare).

2. He was the only batsman (for a while anyway) who knew how to score centuries.

3. He is the only batsman in the England side that keeps his head when all around him lose theirs.

4. Mitchell Johnson shouldn't get it because he forgot how to bowl. That's not impressive.

5. Mahendra Dhoni has plenty of time to win it because he's still young.

6. Gautam Gambhir can win Test player of the year. Don't be greedy.

Wright Attacked

You know when the world's against you when even machinery starts attacking the England side.

Yes, you've guessed it.

Luke Wright has been injured (on purpose) by a bowling machine.

Bowling Wall-e aimed the ball directly at Luke's toe.

And hurt it.

So he might be out for the next game which England stood a good chance of winning...no, NWG means losing.

This conclusively proves that England have had some kind of voodoo performed on them, possibly by Justin Langer after his dossier failed for the Test series.

Oh Dear

Well, as NWG types this, England are going down the drain. Again.

Actually, again again again.

Is it just NWG that thinks that England left the building as soon as they picked up that little urn?

When will they return?

Or, more likely, are they all clones and the ECB are planning two identical looking sides; one that wins and one that loses?

And, is this or this this not to prevent illegal betting? (likely)

NWG is running out of ideas as to why England are so rubbish this series. The worrying answer might well be the simplest: because they just are.

No Rest For The Wicked

Poor Jimmy. Poor Colly. They're all tired and worn out, what with all the playing cricket and everything.

But all this makes NWG wonder.

Who will be picked in their place?

NWG's vote is for Trott to fill in for Collingwood. But who should cover for Jimmy? It's pretty obvious that a 7-0 whitewash is not out of the question (care?), so England could be bold and try someone new.

But will they?

NWG's answer is probably no.

And the most obvious question is: how has Ryan managed to keep his place?

England's ODI Chances Rated Slim To None

It's not looking good.

Bopara: fail.

Prior: fail.

Shah: fail.

Is it because England don't care or can't play ODIs?

Ryan's Big Chance

To be honest, NWG's heart isn't really in this ODI series. That being said, for the last half an hour of the game last night she was genuinely interested.

That was until Ryan rocked in to bat.

This was his chance, after all his moaning about not being included in the Ashes, to make a difference.

To win a game for England.

And what does he do with six to get off two balls?

Leaves one.

Hits a single.

And that, Ryan, is why you weren't in the England Test side.

Shame on you.

A Good Sign

The sun is out. It's moderately warm.

For now.

Let the cricket begin.

Check List

Packing for the Oval:

Umbrella - check.

scarf - check.

ski suit - check.

flask of tea - check.

flask of soup - check.

NWG is preparing for the cold.

Who organises day/night games in September?

Well? What Did You Expect?

It's September.

It's in Manchester.

It rains.

Those are not an unknown facts.

At least England didn't lose.

At least Australia didn't win.

Twenty20 Take II

Let's see if this one can be completed.

The English weather gods have obviously gone on holiday after their impressive performance during the Oval Test. It must have really taken it out of them.

Yesterday - great weather.

Today - cloudy, bit rainy and windy.

Potential weather for Manchester? Doubtful.

Still, England at least have Mr. Positive for a captain. Collingwood will never say a bad word about his team mates.

About Joe Denly being out for a duck:

What should have been said: "Don't play ridiculous shots that are doomed to fail. Idiot."

What Collingwood actually said: "I'm glad he's got the belief and confidence to go for a shot like that."

Mr Positive - NWG thinks you have a lot of work to do.

Twenty20 - What?

So, with only a week passed since England won those lovely little Ashes back, the team are attempting a game of Twenty20 against Australia.

How's it going, NWG hears you ask?

In one word: badly.

It's raining. Australia scored a load of runs, and England are currently 4-2 (Ravi failed - again).

Excellent.

NWG just can't really get that excited. She has barely come down from the high last Sunday. Now more cricket?

Update: Match has been abandoned. Lucky escape for the England batsmen...

She needs a breather (read holiday).

Shah The Bowler

Yes. Didn't you know?

Shah can bowl. 10-3 if you're interested.

He kind of won the game.

Let's ignore Bopara's and Trott's score.

And probably Collingwood.

And maybe Swann's too.

And Rashid.

Ok fine. It wasn't the greatest game. But give the guys a break.

It's been a big week.

The End

Ok. NWG has calmed.

She's returned to her normal routine without going to the Oval everyday.

There's no more speculation in the papers of will/they won't they.

There's no more Test cricket this summer for England.

Only the ODIs and the Twenty20 games to go.

Which is quite sad.

But the most disappointing thing of the whole week was the lack of drunken English cricketers post-celebration, stumbling here, there and everywhere, unable to pronounce their name, unable to walk in a straight line. Just generally unable to do anything.

Extra Photos From Sunday (woo)

These are a small selection from the weekend. NWG couldn't resist the photo showing the greatest session of England cricket she had ever seen.

And yes, before you ask, that is NWG. Again. In her free t-shirt. She didn't go to the ground wearing that. Just to be clear.

NWG's Ashes Prizes

NWG feels it's only fair to have some kind of awards ceremony for this Ashes series.

It's been a long summer.

Best Piece Of Fielding Involving Blood - Ricky Ponting

Best Duck: Australian's own Mr Cricket - Michael Hussey

Best Bowling spell: Tied between Andrew Flintoff and Stuart Broad.

Best Catch - Michael Hussey at Cardiff

Best Century - Andrew Strauss at Lord's

Best Sour Face - Ricky Ponting at the Oval on Sunday (what a picture)

Best Smile - Graeme Swann

Find Of The Series - Jonathan Trott (the Englishman)

Most Under-Rated Bowler - Steve Harmison

Most Under-Rated Bowler Without Proving Otherwise - Mitchell Johnson

Player Most Able To Deal With The Barmy Army - Peter Siddle (good sense of humour)

Player With The Best Injury - Kevin Pietersen (well, he had to get something)

Best Draw Of The Century - Cardiff

Sub Category - Best Batsmen of Cardiff - Jimmy Anderson and Monty Panesar

Player Of The Series - Andrew Strauss

Captain Of the Series - Andrew Strauss

Captain Of The Century - Andrew Strauss

Best Batsman Of The Series - Andrew Strauss

Award For Captain Who Won The Most Tosses - Andrew Strauss

Happiest Captain Award - Andrew Strauss

Award For Award's Sake - Andrew Strauss

Award For Player Not Involved In The Series - Matthew Hoggard (no surprises there, then)

Award To The Team Who Don't Care About The ODI Series - England

They've Only Gone And Done It

NWG has just returned from the Oval.

Frankly, she's in a state of shock. England just won. By a mile. With a day to spare.

What?

And the best part about it, was that she was there. For every day. For every over. For every run. For every wicket.

Cricket is simply the best game in the whole entire world.

Go England.

Sob.

Ashes awards to follow.

The Greatest Day Since....Well....Ever

NWG is still in shock. Today was a day unlike any other.

What started out to be a bit of a moderate day of Test cricket turned in to the greatest session of English cricket NWG has ever seen.

It's official : Broad and Swann can bowl.

What's not official is how this game is going to go. Yes, England were amazing. But with the score hovering precariously with three wickets lost, tomorrow and Sunday will be just as nerve-wracking.

Can Broad repeat that performance? If not him, then who?

And on a lighter note, NWG bumped in to Jrod again. The Oval is a small world. And Peter Siddle is pretty good at taking everything the Barmy Army were yelling at him. Those that can take what the crowd throws are real men.

p.s. NWG made it on to Sky yesterday, apparently. So if you were watching, you would have seen her.

Proof Of NWG's Existence Found

NWG kept an eye on the Oval yesterday and has provided you with photographic evidence that it wasn't so bad.

Sort of.

And yes, that is NWG. Expertly disguised with the England flag.

Hmmmm

Not the start NWG was looking for.

Batting - poor. Some England player must stand up and get a century. Now down to Stuart Broad, Steve Harmison and James Anderson. Unlikely.

People meeting - excellent. NWG finally met Uncle JRod.

Overall - questionable.

It's Getting Serious Now

In 13 hours time. The toss will have been decided. The team announced. NWG seat will have been taken.

In 14 hours time. The first beer will have been drunk. The first jeers will have been shouted. The first ball will have been bowled. The first runs will have been scored.

In 15 hours time. NWG will be drunk and past caring.

Here's counting down the hours.

The Countdown Is Almost Over

Tomorrow.

It begins.

NWG can't bear it.

As long as Freddy can bowl.

As long as Strauss, Cook, Bell, Trott, Prior, Flintoff, Broad can bat.

As long as Ricky Ponting gets out cheaply.

As long as Shane Watson gets a duck.

As long as Mitchell Johnson forgets how to bowl.

As long as Brad Haddin breaks another finger.

As long as all those things happen.

England stand a chance.

England, The Weather And Just about Everything

It's Monday. Actually, it's basically Tuesday now, so that little bit closer to The Day Of Reckoning.

NWG has been studying the weather patterns (she's actually a weathergirl, you can see her on BBC Breakfast tomorrow morning), isobars, currents, climate change, precipitation levels, the Gulf Stream, what the weather was like this week last year, what the weather was like this week ten years ago, what the weather was like this week a hundred years ago. And....

She's no clearer on the weather.

The BBC is predicting that there will be a rain shower on Thursday (NWG will bring an umbrella), but good weather for Friday. What about Saturday, Sunday and Monday, huh BBC? What about those important days?

NWG remembers from her A-level history class that during the Cold War, Russia (the Soviet Union, whatever) had found that by pouring out a lot of powdered concrete from a plane on to clouds, you could make it rain. Will any such measures be used this week so the Oval Test match can be a complete game? If not, why?

It would be a crime against nature if this Test be a rain affected draw (well, a crime against something, anyway). Whatever the result, there must be a result.

Must. Must. Must.

Breaking News

Another Englishman will play instead of Bopara.

His name is Trott and he's English. Alright?

English, NWG tells you.

Totally from England.

Ok. You've got it out of NWG.

He was born in South Africa.

Big deal.

Uh Oh

One week to go.

Seven days.

168 hours.

Seven tiny, weeny days for England to transform themselves into a cricket-winning machine.

Can it be done? Is there anything NWG can do to help England change their destiny?

Highly doubtful.

Ravi Ain't So Great

NWG doesn't want to be mean, but...

Bopara must be dropped.

Sorry Ravi. But it's true. She's not doubting your overall potential (yet to be realised). It's just, that right now, you are not fulfilling your cricket destiny (you are currently rubbish) and you can do so much better (i.e. score more than 10 runs at a time).

Please England, see sense.

Freddy To Save The Day

Is it a bird?

A plane?

A cartoon character?

No. It's Andrew Flintoff. Coming to save the day.

English cricket is stuck on the ledge of a skyscraper. There's no way back. The only way to get down is to jump.

Freddy will catch you, England. Be brave.

Trust and be brave.

NWG fears this is their only hope.

NWG Is Calm

OK. NWG has calmed herself. Today is a new day. This week is a new week.

Let's begin again.

England are known for their good luck when it comes to finals (which is what the Oval effectively is).

Think of all the successful penalty shoot outs England has won.

Think of all the trophies there are in England's trophy case.

Don't worry all. It will be fine.

NWG has learned the art of zen.

It's Not So Bad

It means that the Oval will be a good game.

Stuart Broad can bat.

So can Graeme Swann.

That's about it.

Michael's Thought Process

Oh did that hit my glove?

Was it caught by Prior?

Not me.

No. Not me.

Act natural. Rub my arm a bit. Look around.

No Words

Literally.

Ha Ha Ha

Flintoff out.

Sob.

Prior with a back spasm.

Groan.

Fire alarms keeping the England team up in the middle of the night.

What?

Is this some cruel joke?

Side Split In The Ranks

Is there some unease in the ranks? Seems poor old Brett is going to be forced to sit out the Headingly Test because of a lack of match play.

Shane Watson certainly doesn't want him in the side: "you normally need at least one game under your belt before a Test match. Because of that, I think there's probably less chance of Brett being picked."

Uh oh.

And just in case you forgot who Shane Watson was (recently an opening batsman), he added: "I'm not a selector but that's my feeling."

If Brett does get in, who will have to give way? Would it be Watson? Or Johnson?

Call This Number Now

Abdominal pain?

Side pain?

Broken finger?

No, this isn't the start of an advert for Injury Lawyers For You.

No, it's not a random survey of a physio's office.

It's a list of Australian troubling injuries.

Michael Clarke.

Brett Lee.

Brad Haddin.

(in that order)

With only another full day of rest and relaxation before Headingly, NWG hopes that Freddy is resting somewhere comfy.

Friday is a big day.

Ryan? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

*Update:

Jonathan Trott? Good choice. Runs are coming out of his ears.

And Ryan is only cover. Ryan is only cover. Ryan is only cover. Ryan is only cover.

Please say it isn't true? It's only a whisper now. Someone tell NWG that Ryan will NOT be in the squad for Headingly. But. Just no.

Anyone.

She begs you.

Reasons Why This Wasn't So Bad

1. Cardiff was basically a loss for Australia. Edgbaston was a pipe dream for England.

2. It rained and a day and a half was lost. That does not help matters.

3. Ricky Ponting was out for 5.

4. Because Edgbaston can't be the place to hold all the exciting Tests all of the time. That's just unfair. Lord's got it this year (and maybe Cardiff), but NWG wants to put in a request so that the Oval doesn't have it. She won't be able to take a tight game. Draw at Headingly. Draw at the Oval. Please.

5. NWG didn't make the trek up there, so she didn't waste any time (or rather, she did waste a bit of time because she watched the game most of the day, but had the option of doing something else if she wanted to, something she wouldn't be able to do at a cricket ground - like eat a salad).

A Draw Ain't That Bad

They will not. Oh well. England have earned that draw.

Fingers crossed on Fred's ankle/knee problems.

Will They Won't They

NWG made the sensible decision to not go up today for two reasons:

1. Her presence would mean bad luck for England.

2. She wouldn't be able to bear it.

So, instead she is just sitting and watching it.

Trying in vain to perform some magical spell to force some wickets to go down.

NWG has faith.

It can still be done.

Today Is The Day

Today was pretty boring.

No England player really scoring.

No England player taking wickets.

..........wait.....what?.....NWG fell asleep and had a dream that Flintoff scored like it was a ODI. That Broad took on Johnson and gave him an earful. That Onions got Katich out and that Swann bowled a ball from heaven to get Ponting walking back to the pavilion.

Australia are still -25-2.

NWG is very tempted to buy a ticket for tomorrow and see what Edgbaston has to offer.

Should she?

Woo

See you later Ponting.

Flower Is A Dreamer

"A result is definitely possible."

Andy flower: you are an optimist, NWG will give you that.

Go England

NWG is back from holiday. And what does she get?

England's bowlers did her proud. That sort of collapse is normally associated with England.

But Cook?

Come on.

Bloody hell.

Katich Is Hungry

Why won't someone please feed Katich?

Not only does he look hungry, but how is he expected to smack the ball about to here and there?

NWG thinks extra bacon sandwiches and beer should solve the problem.

On other things: have Australia made the right decision in dropping Hughes for Watson?

p.s. poor Haddin's finger. Ahhhhhh.

Aussie Bowlers

Is there a tiny hint of worry from the Australian camp when they send Brad Haddin out to defend Mitchell Johnson?

"It's all pretty good," says Haddin, "he still feels pretty comfortable."

There's nothing worse than if a bowler underperforms and the sharks (or vultures, depending on if you're on land or at sea) start to circle.

Poor guy. NWG feels a tiny, weeny bit sorry for him.

She's hoping he'll be playing on Thursday.

She's also hoping that Ian Bell smacks him around a bit.

KP And General Anaesthetic

Of all the times to have an operation.

Why this summer?

Why this week?

Why now?

If KP's ankle has been bothering him since the IPL, why didn't he have the operation months ago?

NWG is very disappointed in the England team.

(But she's having a great time on holiday, in a country where cricket is frowned upon and the weather is far more reliable.)

What?

England win.

What?

What a performance by Fred.

What a performance by each member of the England team.

NWG can rest happily now. She's off on holiday tomorrow and back the day of the next Test (yes, she did plan her holiday around the cricket before you ask).

Go England.

This Is Too Much

NWG can't bear it anymore. She will now be busying herself with more mundane tasks. Anything to avoid watching the game.

Perhaps a short essay will appear on NWG about the rights and wrongs of public transport or how she won £6 on the lottery.

NWG Has A Boyfriend

Didn't take vodaphone long to catch on to NWG, by bringing in the Nightwatchman.

He's there to answer all cricket related questions.

Sound familiar?

Ashes Day 2

Update: OH NWG'S GOD. WHAT IS HAPPENING????

NWG is one happy England fan right now. Anderson, Flintoff and Broad have all stepped up this afternoon and it makes English weather seem not so bad. 156-8. NWG keeps saying it over and over and it still doesn't seem real.

Though there is one thing that NWG doesn't quite understand. How is it, when both teams agree to play under lights, that when the lights actually come on, the batsmen are offered the light because of the shadows?

This seems wrong.

But also slightly right, as NWG has tickets for tomorrow. She hopes Strauss will enforce the follow-on and England have a repeat of today.

Well, what a start to the day.

Wickets, wickets, and more wickets.

NWG feels slightly sad for Ricky, given that he wasn't out.

England are doing brilliantly. Runs at the end of their innings and early wickets.

James Anderson - you rule all.

Hurrah.

(one of those statements isn't true. Guess which one it is.)

Lord's Day One

NWG had a lovely day yesterday. The sun was out, the rain stayed away and she was seated in a stand with padded seats. Oh the luxury.

But it was Andrew Strauss that made NWG's day. Aside from Alastair Cook, the other England batsmen seemed slightly distracted with the job in hand.

England need a minimum 450 today, otherwise things look slightly doubtful. Although the weather looks like it will play an important part. Rain today, rain tomorrow and then who knows if there'll be enough time to finish the game.

NWG's highlight was seeing a misfield by Ricky Ponting, with the ball going straight through his legs.

Her lowlight was when she was leaving. Having made friends with all around her, aside from one man, she was saying her goodbyes as she moved down towards the exit. When, as if she had gone back in time to the 1950s, this man, whom she hadn't spoken to, pinched her bum.

Unbelievable.

And wrong.

These little things....

The End Of Freddy

So that's it then. No more Freddy. The end of an era.

Which means the Ashes is even more important to him than before.

Is this a good time for him to announce the end? NWG thinks not. England fans could have probably dealt with it better at the end of the summer.

Oh well.

Farewell Freddy.

Let's make Lord's that bit better (and NWG is there tomorrow, so even more reason).

Harmy Back For Revenge

Knees are the worst joint in the human body. They don't function properly. They are an evolutionary nightmare.

Just when you think you can rely on them; they fail.

Dear Mr. Flintoff's knee,

Please start working again. Just for the summer, and then you can self-combust.

Yours Sincerely,

NWG.

Back to other business: the Lord's squad.

Harmison has a good record at Lord's against Australia. Anyone remember scarface? Surely he will play and Monty will be dropped.

Surely?

NWG will be at Lord's on Thursday. She's not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. She is already nervous.

The Draw Of The Century

Against all the odds, England have managed to cling to a draw today.

And no, it's not a win, but yes, it certainly does feel like it.

Nothing better than seeing sad Australians and happy English (and Welsh) men.

England go to Lord's still at 0-0, and they can consider themselves lucky to have escaped.

Long live James Anderson and Monty Panesar.

NWG forgives all.

NWG Is Having A Tantrum

Cook: go straight pass go, do not collect £200 and to jail with you.

Nightwatchgirl Is Busy Today

NWG is doing the rain dance today.

All day.

No breaks.

Let the rain commence.

Are Australia playing for a draw?

Please?

Update: This is unbearable. Lightening would be preferable.

Somebody please get a wicket.

Anyone will do right now.

NWG would be very happy.

Wagging Tails

Oh England. How NWG loves you so.

Especially Graeme Swann. You rule. What attitude.

The only burning question is: can England's bowling attack back up this strong position?

The way the ball is spinning.....

Oh it's juicy.

Ashes Day 1

What a day.

Ups and downs.

Cross words and smiles.

NWG is in the belief that it's pretty much even. Australia bowled well in periods. But some brilliant batting by KP, Flintoff and Prior certainly helped England along.

336-7 is a good first day score, considering the pressure and the situation.

Now all that needs to happen is for the England bowling attack to make some serious indents in the Australia batting line-up.

NWG is pleased.

Go England.

Ashes: Day 1, Post 1

Lunch: Well, not the best of starts England has ever produced. Disappointing, yet at the same time a relief that it has finally begun. Can someone please tell NWG why it is that the Australian's chew gum like they are masticating cows? Anyone?

KP is not looking comfortable. At all. Bad sign.

Andrew Strauss has joined Alastair.

Breaking news: Alastair Cook has been ordered back to the nets to learn how to bat.

Tomorrow.

Oh god.

Falsehoods During The Ashes

That Michael Jackson will be opening the bowling for England. Or Australia. As a hologram.

That Australia will win 5-0.

That if England win, each player will get a knighthood.

That it will be sunny for every day that cricket is played.

That Shane Warne will be a good commentator.

That Steve Harmison will get a hat-trick.

That Mitchell Johnson will slip on a cricket ball and sprain his ankle.

That NWG will not watch any cricket because she's simply too worried.

That there won't be any beer drunk at any games.

That Ricky Ponting and Harry Potter have something in common. Just like Harry's scar starts to hurt when Voldemort is near, so Ponting's scar starts to ache when he sees Steve Harmison.

Ashes Squad

No Ryan.

Hurrah.

That is all.

Lessons That Have Been Learned

So both Australia and England have been playing some warm-up games.

What have we learned?

1. KP is in fine form.

2. Ian Bell really can't cope with batting against Australia.

3. Steve Harmison looks old.

4. Mitchell Johnson has finally taken that ugly stud out of his mouth.

5. North has hopefully had his big score of the summer.

6. And Michael Clarke.

7. And Ricky Ponting.

8. And Hughes.

9. Brett Lee has peaked.

10. Cook is just warming up.

11. Anderson is lulling Australia into a false sense of security by bowling badly.

12. Monty's back.

Harmison And His Big Mouth

Cricket is being played. Runs are being scored.

Exactly a week today, the Ashes will have begun.

NWG has cleared her schedule. She has some tickets for Lord's (only two days, though), she has tickets for the Oval. And she has planned her holiday around the break between Tests so she doesn't miss anything.

Gulp.

But let's not forget that there is cricket being played today. England and Australia are having their warm-up games.

And it's pretty interesting.

Harmison did pretty well yesterday with the ball. But not as well as he did with his mouth.

"They are not as brash and as confident as they normally are." He said, whilst aiming the ball for the other side of Ricky's face.

Hmmm. NWG isn't sure what to think of this statement. Is he stirring or sending a message to Andy Flower that he needs to be recalled?

England Lions are currently 64-0 after Australia managed 358.

England have Warwickshire at 92-8. But KP managed only 1, but then so did Ponting.

Things seem pretty even to NWG.

For now.

Timekeeping

Being able to tell the time is an important skill.

It's something you're taught at school.

It's something that's necessary to survive.

So how is it exactly that Flintoff has forgotten how to tell the time? And why has he chosen now to decide it's time to self-combust?

Freddy: NWG gives you full permission to lose your mind in September. Go be crazy. Drink as much as you like. Stand on as many buses as makes you happy.

Just not now.

Please.

Facebook Is Everywhere

NWG has been a little bit naughty and hacked in to her favourite (and least favourite) cricketer's facebook profiles.

Oh the hours of fun.

She will provide you with her highlights:

Michael Vaughan's page:

Message to Ian Botham: Any chance of earning some pocket money this summer?

Shane Warne's page:

Status update: Shane Warne is enjoying the weather in England. He tans like a leather shoe.

Paul Collingwood's page:

Status update: Paul Collingwood is flying to Paris in his helicopter to have laser work done on his freckles.

Shane Watson's page:

Shane Watson to Andrew Flintoff: Ah look. Can I come with you to your next Pilates class please?

Brad Haddin's page:

Brad Haddin to Adam Gilchrist: Ah look. Can we run over what a stumping is again? I've bloody well forgotten it.

Steve Harmison's page:

Steve Harmison to Andy Flower: I've finally figured it out. Aim for the wicket keeper and not second slip. Please pick me.

Ryan Sidebottom's page:

Status update: Ryan has shaved his head to emulate the great bowlers of our time in their Ashes year. But no one recognises me.

Matthew Hoggard's page:

Status update: Matthew and Michael are off to television presenting school. Zzzzzz.

Stuart Broad's page:

Stuart Broad to Paul Collingwood: Can we run over how to throw balls at the stumps? I always seem to miss and I don't know why.

Gary Pratt's page:

Gary Pratt to Ricky Ponting: I'm twelfth man again. And I'm coming for you.

Michael Hussey's page:

Status update: Officially dropping Mr Cricket as my nickname. It's too much pressure and I sound boring.

NWG will keep looking for more.

When Did This Happen?

At some point in the last 100 years a feud has been battling on. In the forests, in the mountains, in the sea and, obviously, on the beaches. There are no soldiers. There are no weapons. It is a war of words.

And NWG has no idea why it started (isn't that always the way?).

Shane Warne, you know, that podgy guy who could spin a ball a little bit, has been saying some strange and mean things about Paul Collingwood, the ginger one.

Shane Warne said about Collingwood's captaincy during the Twenty20 World Cup:

"He was too busy trying to drive his Aston Martin and fly around in helicopters."

NWG isn't sure what Warne was trying to say. Is Collingwood a secret billionaire, jetting from place to place (surely cricketers aren't paid that much, are they?)?

Has Colly said something to annoy Warne in the past?

Is Warne starting the Ashes war of words?

Someone please tell NWG.

Please.

England To Get More Tests

What great news. Pakistan will now have two tests and two Twenty20 games against Australia next summer. In England.

More cricket.

Truly excellent.

Australia Are Playing. Like. Right. Now.

And so the time has come. There's no more excuses. No more tournaments or Test matches in between.

The Ashes are here.

And Australia are having a warm-up game against Sussex. And it seems all is not well (already).

Who had money on Shane Watson being injured before he was even able to get on the field? NWG wishes she had placed that bet.

Australia are currently 63-2. Ponting made a grand old total of 8.

NWG isn't sure why she's glad that Ponting isn't getting a good run. England are yet to play their warm-up games. And she knows it's going to be bad.

Ashes Squad Announcement

Today is the day. Judgement day. Ashes day. There should be some sort public holiday, some type of flower should be worn (NWG opts with a red rose).

Who'll be in?

Michael Vaughan - doubtful.

Steve Harmison - likely.

Matthew Hoggard - in NWG's dreams.

Ryan Sidebottom - if he's in, NWG will cry.

James Foster/Matt Prior - hmmm, interesting.

She's too nervous to write.

Update:

No Steve Harmison. Ok. But Ryan? Really? NWG is relieved that Graeme Swann is in there.

She's been so looking forward to this summer and now, when it comes down to it, she has a nasty feeling. Arrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. When will it be over?????

NWG's New Identity

NWG is off to the Oval (again) today. She feels that perhaps that because she's been so often that she should get 20% off all food and drink and a decent seat.

And she has thought long and hard and has made the important decision to support the West Indies.

Why you ask? Well, these are the reasons:

1. Because NWG has seen them more than any other team and save for the South Africa game, they have won every time. Clearly she is a good luck charm.

2. Her friend is West Indian, well technically she's French, ok, so it's complicated, and she will be at the cricket with them. It would seem rather churlish to support Sri Lanka to simply even out the numbers.

3. Because West Indies beat England it seems natural to want them to win the tournament and thereby making England's exit slightly more acceptable.

4. Because she wants to.

5. Because she wants to see another Chris Gayle- Australia performance. That is twenty20 batting at its best.

6. Because she's really tired and can't make any solid, educational reasons to support Sri Lanka right now; West Indies seems like the easier option.

Extra Time

Some say that England's exit from the Twenty20 gives them more time to concentrate on some piddly little tests coming up.

Some say that this will give England time to get their plans into action.

Some say it's a blessing in disguise.

Some say England were never going to do that well anyway.

Well. NWG is feeling very pessimistic today.

England needed to do better. England require momentum.

NWG feels that England are in some kind of traffic jam at the moment.

Oh Well....

What are they laughing about?

NWG has just returned from the Oval and she has had an interesting day.

First the gripes:

1. England won the toss and should have batted second.

2. The weather had obviously come from the West Indies.

3. KP should have scored more runs.

4. Actually the whole team should have scored more runs.

Observations:

1. NWG never believed that England would make it out of the group stage, let alone get to the semi-final, so she's not too disappointed.

2. She is reminding herself that it is only a game (that's a tough one).

3. It is a fact that the West Indies are a better twenty20 side than England.

4. She was at least at the game of the tournament (India v England).

5. English weather is a curse.

England Rule All

Best.

Game.

Ever.

NWG needs a lie down because she's got to do it all again tomorrow at the Oval.

Gulp.

Today At Lord's

So NWG is three quarters of the way through her cricket marathon this weekend, but today she feels slightly sick.

She watched West Indies v India on Friday and it was a great game. West Indies deserved to win; they played better, they batted brilliantly and India never really got going.

Now today England is faced with an Indian team who have to win, who are defending their crown and who have to prove their worth.

In other words, this is the worst match England could face.

If NWG thinks logically about it, then England could win. England beat West Indies in the warm up, West Indies beat India, thereby England should be able to beat India. If only logic had anything to do with winning a game of cricket.

Alas, it does not.

NWG has a nasty feeling about this day....

Pakistan Not Playing England (thank goodness)

Umar Gul's bowling today was that which every England bowler longs for.

Not being hit for six sixes.

Not repeatedly throwing the ball at the stumps.

But actually bowling like a genius.

And with figures of six measly runs and five huge wickets.

Note to the England bowlers: that's how it's done.

Hoggard Rules All

NWG's favourite cricketer of all time has had a great day with the ball.

5-56.

Too old to bowl? NWG thinks not.

Oh yeah and NWG had a fun day at Lord's.

The Sri Lanka v Pakistan was good enough, but the India v West Indies game was a peach.

Bravo Bravo.

And, of course, it being Lord's, NWG had a little altercation with a very silly man who was having a cigarette away from his box. The conversation went something along these lines:

Stupid man: "It's nice to see a girl at the cricket. Who are you here with?"

NWG: "Well, I'm here because I bought the tickets."

Stupid man: "Oh, do you like cricket then?"

NWG: "Obviously. And I was at the cricket last weekend, and I'll be there tomorrow, the day after, the day after that and the final."

Stupid man: "Golly. I was invited because I work for ____"

NWG: "Golly indeed. Good for you, now go away."

NWG Needs Advice

NWG is off to Lord's today and she's faced with a bit of a problem.

Who should she be supporting?

She can't decide.

What? England Are The Best Team In The World. Period.

NWG is incapable of writing a post about today's South Africa v England game.

It is simply too shocking.

It was so close.

England almost had it.

South Africa were rubbish.

The England batsmen were outstanding.

How could this have happened?

Simply put: it's a tragedy.

John: You Are Very Welcome

Well there had to be some good news eventually and it comes in the unusual shape of an Australian.

John Buchanan, former Australian coach, has gone all rogue agent and has agreed to join the ECB on a short-term coaching deal.

This could be excellent for one reason: he'd give England all the secrets on the Australian team.

But there is always a downside. Namely, he's a double agent and has a red phone directly to Ricky's hotel room in Leicester.

NWG is not decided on his main intention. Though hopefully the ECB are paying him a shed load of money so that he won't be divulging how Mitchell Johnson can simply look at Freddy's knee and it will break.

Australia

Oh. Little Ricky.

They're out.

And NWG was really looking forward to Saturday and seeing them play South Africa.

Bum.

!

What a game.

NWG was on the edge of her very comfy seat the whole match.

And KP obviously was too scared about NWG's threat to throw cricket balls at him, so he decided to play.

Hurrah.

England aren't out of it.

Yet.

KP After NWG Attacks With Paint

NWG had a minor altercation with KP earlier today. In a fit of rage, she sprayed KP with as much paint as she could find in a bid to show how angry she was with him.

If he doesn't show for the Pakistan game today, she will be throwing cricket balls at him instead of paint.

Day 1 for NWG At The Oval

NWG has just returned from a fun, but cold day out at the Oval. And she had a pretty good time.

Scotland did pretty well. But no surprises there.

But the West Indies. Oh the West Indies. Or should that be, oh Australia, didn't they really underperform?

Chris Gayle was unstoppable. Ricky Ponting was, well, average, scoring a total of.....0.

And NWG found herself feeling a tiddly (really tiddly) bit sorry for Australia. There can only have been 10% Australian fans there. Ahhh. And everyone else was cheering every mistake, every misfield, every West Indian run. It didn't take long for those feelings to subside. Perhaps a good second.

Tomorrow NWG is back at the Oval to see England v Pakistan and South Africa v Scotland.

Oh Stuart

And so it begins.

NWG could have coped with losing to Pakistan on Sunday. She could have coped with losing to any other team in the world, but the Netherlands?

Why?

How?

Well, to answer why - it's because England were rubbish. They scored a good number of runs, a total that should have been defendable.

And to answer how - well, pretty easy on that one. Ineffective bowlers. Bad fielding.

This does not bode well. NWG was all excited about this tournament; not that England could or would win, but that they would at least make an effort.

Complacency is the devil.

KP should have been playing.

Ryan should not have.

And NWG orders Stuart Broad straight to fielding practice and to learn the right and wrong times to aim at the stumps. She remembers the last time England lost on overthrows (against NZ, this time Swann was to blame).

Let this never happen again.

Ever.

And So It Begins

Today is a special day.

It's cold. It's cloudy. It's grey. It's been raining.

Which must mean one thing:

The cricket Twenty20 World Cup begins today.

What will happen? Who will win? Will any games actually take place because it may rain for two solid weeks?

So many questions and they will all be answered in slow, excruciating style.

NWG can't wait.

Andrew Andrew Andrew (tut tut)

Oh dear.

NWG has been struggling to write this post as her heart has been bleeding non-stop (turns out plasters aren't really suitable for serious blood loss).

Andrew Symonds has been sent home (most likely in the designated naughty seat on the plane - NWG thinks that must be at the back, near the toilets) for more bad behaviour (this time though, it was the 'last straw').

No Twenty20 for him. No Ashes for him. Most likely, no more cricket for him for Australia. Ever again.

NWG has been in a car all day driving here, there and everywhere and this has provided her with plenty of time to think what it was Symonds could have done (as no one is yet to say - imagination is a curse).

Possibilities include:

Stealing a barge and fishing on the Thames whilst a bit....happy.

Driving to Birmingham to repent his sins for deciding to play for Australia and not England....whilst a bit happy.

Paying to have his fishing boat flown over from Oz on the Cricket Australia credit card....whilst a bit happy.

Telling Ricky Ponting that he wishes Glen McGrath was still in the team because he doesn't like any of the other players (especially Pup for his youthful good looks)....whilst a bit happy.

Continuously rolling cricket balls at Mitchell Johnson's feet for three straight hours....whilst a bit happy.

Going out in London with Shane Warne. That's it.

Which one could it be?

Cockiness Is Bad

So England had a warm-up game.

They won.

That's the good part (and KP remembered how to bat. Also definite plus point).

But, Collingwood said:

"We've come out thinking we've got a lot left in the tank."

NWG should hope so. England have only played one game and they have about 400 to go this summer.

NWG thinks if you've got nothing good to say (or sensible) don't say anything at all.

Simple.

Other phrases to be avoided:

"At the end of the day."

"Ah look."

"We played a good game."

"We don't mind losing."

"I'm hungry."

"Freddy's injured his little finger."

"Cricket's a bit boring."

"At least the sun's out."

"At least it's raining."

"Twenty20 doesn't really count for anything."

"Hi mum."

ICC Are A Bunch Of....

NWG is very lucky. She has lots of tickets for lots of games for the Twenty20 World Cup. All week she's been worrying about what the weather will be like, if she has good seats, if England will do well (we all know the answer to that, but it's still a worry).

And then today she received an email from Ticketmaster.

And it was not a friendly one.

First there was this:

Alcohol, metal cans or glass containers may not be brought into the ground at any time due to ICC regulations. For match days at Lord's please refer to the Lord's website (www.Lord's.org) for the ground's specific regulations in this area.

Then there was this:

No large flags / banners, sticks or poles are allowed into the ground.

And, to top it all off, this:

The Event Authority reserves the right to refuse entry to any person carrying or wearing any other items or substances that may be deemed to be offensive, disruptive, dangerous or likely to infringe any party's rights or any party's safety or security or any dangerous article or substance not referred to above. The Event Authority also reserves the right to deny entry to any person who in the opinion of the Safety Officer posed a threat to the safety of spectators in the ground or whose presence posed a threat to public order.

Cricket is supposed to be fun. There should be banners and flags.

Cricket is supposed to be about the sport and having a drink comes a close second. Do the grounds stop you drinking alcohol? No. They just want to make sure you buy it all in their bars for more than it's worth.

This is wrong.

You Can't Wear That On A Cricket Field Boys

NWG understands why KP and Strauss look so happy.

Hussey is intent on helping England out by purposefully aiming a cricket ball at Ricky Ponting's wrist (all of England thank you for that).

Now all that needs to happen is for Mitchell Johnson to have a little mishap (insert appropriate strange action that can cause injury).

NWG lives in hope.

Ryan Has Been Found

NWG has been very concerned of late over the disappearance of a certain curly-haired bowler, who answers to the name Ryan (and moody).

But today she has found him. It also explains why he can't play cricket any more.

Because he's gone and got himself trapped on a lid of marmite.

Silly boy.

An Ode To Andrew Strauss' Left Arm

Oh Andrew,

How your arm does move

So fast,

How your arm does find

The ball

It makes NWG

Grateful for all

That you do.

Oh Andrew,

How you catch

So well,

How you seem to

Be in the right place

At the right time,

NWG is thankful.

England Record Still 100%

Today's ODI was a masterclass.

A brilliant example of England's potential.

England can do it.

By that, obviously, NWG means it didn't rain.

Not only did it not rain, it was bright, blue sky and sunshine all day.

England can deliver on the weather. Hurrah.

Oh yeah, and England won.

Woo.

There's A Reason Why

Neil Hannon, of the Divine Comedy, has teamed up with Thomas Walsh for a cricket album, entitled, funnily enough, The Duckworth Lewis Method.

There's a reason why there hasn't been many cricket songs in the past.

That's because it's a bad idea.

The best cricket song NWG has heard is the ABC Australian theme song for the cricket on the radio. That is genius (There's cricket on the radio and everything's ok).

NWG would welcome any other suggestions of other cricket songs that are not a) awful, b) embarrassing, c) ridiculous, d) meant as a serious song, but comes off as mad.

There is also a reason why no cricketer:

Has bought out a clothing range.

Has their own private plane.

Has their own cooking range (though Matthew Hayden may achieve this soon enough).

Has bought out an exercise video.

NWG Curses Every Human Joint/Muscle Group/Tendon

With less than 50 days to go, the nerves have started and the stomach is churning, which is the perfect opportunity for the England cricket team to start falling apart from the seams.

Predicted injuries include:

Banging knee when opening fridge for protein shake.

Falling down stairs on way to bat.

Playing a game of hitting each other with a cricket bat on the head to see who passes out first.

Whiplash caused by turning head too quickly to see a ball disappear for six.

Indigestion from too much carrot cake (a common injury).

Fractured hand from lack of co-ordination when trying to drink a pint.

Some type of finger injury from signing too many books during a signing.

Eye strain from playing a staring contest (and losing).

Stitches from a broken mirror after getting irritated with a new wrinkle.

A three day hangover.

Symonds Misses Out On Returning To Birthplace

Is it really that time already? Australia has announced their squad for the Ashes and it's making NWG nervous.

Poor Andrew Symonds. He misses out on returning to Birmingham. NWG feels for him. A bit. But lucky Shane Watson, although he did say that he feels "for one of your mates if he doesn't get picked." Yeah right.

But the biggest relief of all?

No Shane Warne. Finally. NWG had nightmares that he would be turning up in England this summer ready to wreak havoc on the poor England side.

Winning Is Brilliant

2-0.

Breaking news: England have a 100% record this summer.

Rain Ain't So Bad

So no surprise that it's raining, we are in England after all. And yes, it's annoying. And yes, it's boring.

But.

Sky sports, not wanting the viewers to be bored, keep the interest by showing the old games (who would have thought that this could be interesting?). At this moment, a Test game from 2000 is being shown between England and the West Indies. Far more interesting than watching it rain (England are/were being thrashed). And the old characters.

Darren Gough - woo.

Andrew Caddick - NWG had forgotten those ears.

Mark Ramprakash - oh how he failed at international level.

Curtley Ambrose - wow, he is frightening when he's fired up.

NWG bets that you don't get that in Australia (mainly because it never seems to rain).

This is way better than watching a draw take place.

Unease In The Ranks

Chris Gayle doesn't like criticism.

Poor Andrew Strauss simply stated that no one from the England side would be able to swan in with two days notice to start a Test, and Gayle has gone all defensive.

Hit a sore spot?

If Gayle hates Test cricket so much, why make him play? Leave him to the IPL, the Stanford matches (though probably will never happen again) and the Twenty20 World Cup.

Fine by England. Wonder what his team mates think.....

Oh What A Day

There was NWG thinking it would be a normal day.

Not today.

The Day Is Here

NWG has a very exciting day ahead of her. If it all goes to plan, there will be a very exclusive post in a about 5 hours.

Keep your fingers crossed.

NWG Doesn't Understand

Ryan?

Again?

Really?

WHY???????????

Extra Onions Please

What is better than a well-performing England team?

The answer is nothing.

A fifer here, a century there, combined with a follow on equals a very happy England team.

If only England could have some kind of groundhog day and keep this day going all summer.

That's How You Do It

Here is an instructional video for the England team. NWG hopes that the England boys have a chance to take a look.....

and learn and how's it done. With the Twenty20 World Cup less than a month away, they really need all the help they can get.

And what better way to learn than from the animal kingdom.

Take a look: it's funny.

Panic Over: KP Approves of Flower

NWG has hardly been able to sleep. For weeks now, she's been pacing the hall, unable to concentrate on anything.

Until today. When everything comes into focus.

Big man, KP, not only admits that Flower is "an absolute superstar," (after saying he was rubbish) but that he also has no power over his own thoughts (what does this say about him?).

KP said, simply: "I know I made comments about him when I was captain but it hasn't surprised me how my opinion has changed...sometimes people make comments they shouldn't do."

Er.

NWG is extremely concerned. If KP's opinions of himself can be changed so easily, how is he going to cope with the Australian's this summer?

What if Ricky Ponting tells KP that he really can't bat and KP believes him?

What if Mitchell Johnson tells him that he won't be able to stop him from bowling him?

These are troubling times, indeed.