Friday, 9 January 2009

Nightwatchgirl's Handy Hints for Andrew Strauss

It's been confirmed this afternoon that Andrew Strauss will captain England in all forms of the game. This is excellent news. Finally.

NWG thought, just to be friendly and helpful, she would provide Strauss with some handy hints to captaining a broken, dysfunctional, Machiavellian team in the easiest ways possible.

1. Start with a fair hand. Coming across too strong (ie like KP) is too much too soon. Start out in a balanced way and you gain the players' respect.

2. Don't start thinking that just because you're the England captain, that you are somehow invincible. You are not.

3. Score runs. All the time. Every innings.

4. Have some idea about tactics. NWG can't really help you on this one, but planning is surely essential.

5. No naughty business is allowed. No cheating (in the game or on your wife), no scheming, no sly words in newspaper columns.

6. Make sure you keep KP in check. If he's late for training/gets a duck/drops catches tell him off. He responds to being treated like a toddler.

7. Bring back Matthew Hoggard. This cannot go wrong. He will win you Test matches.


Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Always have a couple of positives you can draw from each match so that it looks like the team is improving. It didnt work for Moores, because he didnt do it with a wink and a cheeky grin. Refer to Harry Redknapp.

Get along well with the coaches, even if they are a bunch of stats freaks, who think video analysis is more important than actually having played the game. Even geeks have feelings sometimes.

Introduce a team huddle when the team goes out to field. Even if it achieves nothing, the fans love that kind of touchy-feely thing.

Be sensitive to the needs of your teammates. Let Freddie bat at number six because he thinks he is a batting all-rounder. Let Harmy keep banging it in short all day because he loves how much bounce he can generate. Tell KP how divine his clothes are and where did he get the lilac jacket from?. Tell Owais to keep it up and how close he is to breaking into the team, while winking at Bell. Tell Monty if he keeps practising his catching, one day he can field at second slip.

Keep telling the media about how strong the team spirit is, even if the dressing room is a war zone. There will be plenty of time to reveal the truth in your shocking autobiography later.

A batting average in the high 30s with the occasional 105 is good enough because your ability to keep everyone happy is indispensable. If any tabloid hack questions your run-making, hint darkly at whether the country can afford to have another KP fiasco.

The Nightwatchgirl said...

Ben - you are way too sensible. NWG hopes that Andrew Strauss reads your comment. It's filled with wisdom.

Anonymous said...

I'll bet the suits at the ECB and the members at the MCC are happier Strauss is captain, with his nice English accent *smile*

Definitely bring back Matthew Hoggard. Big questions over Steve Harmison this tour, if he doesn't perform then his time has passed. The same should be said of Ian Bell. Sure he looks great but missing straight balls is something he's starting to do as much as I did. I'm just glad there isn't any evidence of my pathetic batsmanship on video... *shudder*

I'm sure Strauss will do well as captain. Those who think he's a soft touch may well be in for a surprise.

The Nightwatchgirl said...

Jamie - you're straight into NWG's good books. NWG may start a Matthew Hoggard petition on the ECB website...

Anonymous said...

Appreciate the comments, and the humour, but personally i think Strauss already knows what to do as captain.

I've long been a fan of his, and think he has the strength of character (not arrogance, see KP) to become a good captain.

He's got the experience and he's popular within the squad and seems to be well respected by his peers and team mates.