Thursday, 2 April 2009

Kevin Who?

NWG is sick and tired of writing about KP and his latest outbursts (this time on how he wanted to go home in the middle of the Tests to see his poor, long-suffering wife).

Instead she has some handy hints for future England players:

1. Enjoy the fact that you are playing cricket for your country.
2. Never moan about it. Ever. No matter how bad it gets. Or if you do: retire and be done with it.
3. If you're a batsman, especially one that thinks you're brilliant, it means you have to be consistently brilliant. That means no ducks, no throwing your wicket away; just batting. Constantly.
4. If you're a bowler, bowl well. All the time. Don't retire because 'you miss your family,' only to make a comeback, go on tour constantly and then not bowl like you mean it.
5. If you are lucky enough to become captain, don't throw strops, don't try sacking coaching staff and try and win the odd toss or two.
6. Always remain positive.
7. Never moan about opposing players. About anything. Ever.
8. If you happen to be born in another country and then you qualify for the country you want to play for, never say that the particular country's fans don't support you or doubt you. It's amazing that if you're doing well, this will never be mentioned.
9. When some kind of franchise buys you to play extra cricket do not get injured. You may think that's impossible to prevent, but actually it isn't. If you're prone to injury it's very simple: don't play, no matter how much they're paying you.
10. If you're brave enough to accept a position playing for England it means you're brave enough to do anything. That means bowling at the death when immense pressure directed upon you will mean you perform better, not worse. Equally, if you're batting and required to hit the winning runs, you hit the winning runs. You don't get bowled, you don't get caught trying to hit a six for glory. You just do your job properly.

These handy hints will guarantee that you will become a success. And they're free. Don't say NWG doesn't help. She tries.


GoodCricketWicket said...

NWG, glad to see you are following the first rule of cricket writing:

If you are tired of writing about a particular player or subject, then don't!

Amy said...

Number 5 is a particularly pertinent point. Not KP, hey?

And an addendum to 7 - If it's Tendulkar you're up against, don't even look him in the eye.
If only dozens of players before us had understood this simple point, they would have saved themselves a ton of pain.