Thursday, 21 May 2009

NWG Curses Every Human Joint/Muscle Group/Tendon

With less than 50 days to go, the nerves have started and the stomach is churning, which is the perfect opportunity for the England cricket team to start falling apart from the seams.

Predicted injuries include:

Banging knee when opening fridge for protein shake.
Falling down stairs on way to bat.
Playing a game of hitting each other with a cricket bat on the head to see who passes out first.
Whiplash caused by turning head too quickly to see a ball disappear for six.
Indigestion from too much carrot cake (a common injury).
Fractured hand from lack of co-ordination when trying to drink a pint.
Some type of finger injury from signing too many books during a signing.
Eye strain from playing a staring contest (and losing).
Stitches from a broken mirror after getting irritated with a new wrinkle.
A three day hangover.


Unknown said...

Nonfiction is stranger than fiction...

I suppose one of the oddest reasons for missing a Test match belongs to Derek Pringle, the former Essex allrounder who is now the cricket correspondent of the Daily Telegraph. In 1982, he was forced to drop out of the third Test against Pakistan at Headingley after injuring his back, supposedly while writing a letter, although his own version is slightly different:

"My terrible injury was actually pretty mundane. I'd been sorting out envelopes for friends wanting complimentary tickets when I stretched and leant back on my chair, which promptly gave way. The tumble caused my back to spasm between the shoulder-blades, something that had happened to me before, so I knew I'd probably be unable to bowl for 48 hours - the usual time it took to clear up. As it was late, around midnight, I didn't summon the physio but rather attempted a home cure by pulling the mattress off the bed so I could sleep on the floor. Unfortunately this made my back worse and I had to withdraw from the match. I explained all this to the then physio, Bernard Thomas, who injected me with muscle relaxants, but then the Machiavellian little man told the press I'd done my back in writing a letter - presumably his attempt to toughen me up with some cod psychology. As in most cases the truth is duller than the fiction, though I believe Chris Old once pulled a rib muscle before a Test by sneezing, and Tony Greig ricked his neck shaving, the height of the hotel mirror no doubt causing him to perform that most dangerous of manoeuvres - the early-morning stoop."

The year after Pringle's mishap Phil Edmonds had to cry off a Test after hurting his back getting out of his car - his pain wouldn't have been eased when his replacement, Nick Cook, took eight wickets in his first Test and nine in his second, and kept Edmonds out for the rest of that 1983 summer, and the winter tours of New Zealand and Pakistan. And Ted Dexter, the former England captain and chairman of selectors, once ran himself over on the Chiswick Flyover in west London - he was pushing his broken-down car, and lost control of it.

Unknown said...

There's always Akhtar-esque knob-rot to contend with too

Anonymous said...

I hear carrot cake is good for eye strain NWG. Only thing is, if it's in the fridge one may injure their knee finding it and then suffer indigestion having ate it.

At least the eye strain will be cured though hey?

The Nightwatchgirl said...

NWG once strained an intercostal muscle from laughing too much at a comedy night. Good times. Perhaps she needs to issue some kind of warning email to all the England players that they are not allowed to do anything at all that might cause injury before the summer is out.

Unknown said...

List of possible England casualties:

Strauss - strain a lip from all the grinning he does.
Cook - burnt badly from falling asleep in solarium.
KP - cut himself from wearing too many sharp suits.
Monty - strain a shoulder or dislocate his jaw from strenuous appealing.
Swann - strain neck from nodding too much while speaking to media
Freddy - badly injured while stepping onto cricket field, said to be gutted but rushing to get himself fit in time for IPL
Bopara - shot in the back by sniper bullet during net session, no arrests made, but police believed to be looking for small, ginger-haired man seen running from crime scene
Prior - caught a cold, after dropping it on 0, 5 and 28
Harmy - urgently requires heart implant, donor being sought
Anderson - glassed by Liam Gallagher in tragic case of mistaken identity for Robbie Williams
Broad - not sure, but has a note from dad to explain
Siders - viciously bashed in alleyway by Sideshow Bob for stealing his gimmick
Hoggard - severe case of jaundice after being fed too much carrot cake by mysterious admirer

The Nightwatchgirl said...

Ben - NWG gives you a virtual pat on the back for making her laugh. She especially likes the Prior entry (and of course, Hoggard, but that should go without saying).

Unknown said...

Thank you NWG, I try my best

Anonymous said...

Suggsy's letter writing injury is a classic. There are plenty of other bizarre injuries out there waiting to happen to anyone, not just an England cricketer.

Shoaib's warts (and kudos to the Pakistan Cricket Board for giving me one of the best laughs I've had in ages) visitation has got me wondering if there are any other cricketers playing with the clap?

One injury that comes to mind is penile damage caused by taking a leak in a pub sink cos the urinal's in pieces when the soap dispenser or mirror above the sink falls off... I know of one such occasion when this happened.

Beta carotene poisoning is possible if you overdo the carrot juice, but not the carrot cake. One can never have too much carrot cake.

Is it just me or does Alastair Cook look like he's wearing make up?

The Nightwatchgirl said...

NWG is almost entirely positive that Alastair Cook started out his England career wearing mascara. Of course he doesn't now. He's discovered that he can have his eyelashes dyed now. It's much easier and as an added bonus he won't have to worry about smudges.

A P Webster said...

The three-day hangover is truly horrific, rarely visited on the mere mortal - a two-day hangover once convinced me I was at death's door - the three-day sort would probably make me think I was the reincarnation of Mike Gatting, or something even more horrible

The Nightwatchgirl said...

three day hangovers are only reserved for post-ashes celebrations involving buses, squares and thousands of people. You can't just be having them for any old reason. That bit's important.

Unknown said...

a few more I missed out:

Collingwood: tore a hamstring while stumping Chanderpaul off his own bowling, has volunteered to field at cover until his leg recovers
Mustard: facing twenty years in jail for murder, after being found being in the conservatory with the pipe
Key: has annoying habit of losing concentration whenever the ice cream van plays music in the car park
Onions: found lying in his kitchen covered in parsley and HP sauce, police believe he tried to top himself
Samit: badly injured in a fight for the last Rolo

Anonymous said...

Cursing is bad NWG...

Especially when doing so to those very things that allowed you to type this post - the joints, muscles, ligaments and tendons.

The same joints, muscles, ligaments and tendons that carry those pieces of carrot cake to your mouth.

You owe them an apology NWG.

The Nightwatchgirl said...

Ben - Onions is inspired.

Anonymous - NWG will thank her joints, tendons and ligaments with some carrot cake.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget Andy Flower, curshed between Samit and Key as they pounced (or should that be bounced?) for that last Rolo

Anonymous said...

That's just Samit and Rob trying to make a cake Jamie...out of Flower (flour) of course.