Saturday, 10 January 2009

Lehmann Brother Wants England Coach

Turns out Shane Warne was right about one thing. No, not wanting to be the England coach, but selflessly suggesting Darren Lehmann (note: not a failed bank, but former Australian cricketer) who is definitely interested.

Would this be a good move for England?

Yes:
-He's Australian. They know how to win stuff.
- He didn't coach Sussex, thereby ending Sussex-friendly selecting.
- He likes England the country because he played for Yorkshire. It's nice when a coach appreciates the countryside, the pubs, the people.
-Because he played for Yorkshire he's more likely to pick Matthew Hoggard. Whoop.

No:
- He's Australian. Could be a spy and pass on Ian Bell's weaknesses. Oh no wait, they know that one already.
-Michael Vaughan may be reappearing...
-He might be just after the money.
-When it comes down to the crunch, could he really truly, deeply, honestly want England to beat Australia?

To the ECB: think very carefully. Possibly include lie-detectors in the interview process and truth serum.

Friday, 9 January 2009

Nightwatchgirl's Handy Hints for Andrew Strauss

It's been confirmed this afternoon that Andrew Strauss will captain England in all forms of the game. This is excellent news. Finally.

NWG thought, just to be friendly and helpful, she would provide Strauss with some handy hints to captaining a broken, dysfunctional, Machiavellian team in the easiest ways possible.

1. Start with a fair hand. Coming across too strong (ie like KP) is too much too soon. Start out in a balanced way and you gain the players' respect.

2. Don't start thinking that just because you're the England captain, that you are somehow invincible. You are not.

3. Score runs. All the time. Every innings.

4. Have some idea about tactics. NWG can't really help you on this one, but planning is surely essential.

5. No naughty business is allowed. No cheating (in the game or on your wife), no scheming, no sly words in newspaper columns.

6. Make sure you keep KP in check. If he's late for training/gets a duck/drops catches tell him off. He responds to being treated like a toddler.

7. Bring back Matthew Hoggard. This cannot go wrong. He will win you Test matches.

Thursday, 8 January 2009

The KPlot Thickens

After the events yesterday (surprising/irritating), the cornflour has been added to the gravy and it thickens.

Turns out no one really liked KP.

Freddy and Harmison are both rubbing their hands with glee that KP has gone.

But England cricket has been left reeling.

How will they settle down? Will the team be able to concentrate?

Most importantly: what will the dressing room be like in the West Indies?

KP has put England in the worst position possible for the start of 2009. By playing this game of brinkmanship, KP thought he could pull off a minor coup.

He was wrong.

Andrew Strauss, the most mild-tempered of all the England team, now faces a tough ask.

Should KP be sacked from the team all together? NWG can't decide. When he performs, he's irreplaceable. Trouble is, will he be causing the team's morale more damage?

And what's this about KP sounding out Shane Warne to coach England? Has the world gone mad?

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

KP Has Literally Gone Nuts (The Bad Kind)

As if things couldn't be any worse. As if the entire England team have broken their hands and legs simultaneously. As if NWG was put in as opening batsman against Australia.

The cricket world has gone mad.

Crazy.

Insane.

After just a brief statement earlier, it has now emerged that KP will not be holding a press conference.

He would rather sell his story. To a paper. For money.

Never mind the team. Never mind the fans. Never mind the Ashes.

All KP wants is the money and the fame that comes with headlines, photoshoots and sob stories.

Next week in OK magazine: See Kevin and Jessica at home....

This is not cricket.

This is not how this year is supposed to go.

KP has given England cricket and the captaincy a bad name.

NWG will not forgive him for it.

KP And Moores Take The Long Walk And Resign

Bloody hell.

KP is apparently gone. Peter Moores is apparently gone. England, in the most important year for cricket, is left in disarray.

It is being reported that Andrew Strauss will take over the captaincy (that pleases NWG in this dark time).

But what has led to KP going? It was written in the stars that Moores was getting the push, and that comes as no surprise, but KP going is a shock. Matters came to a head when KP said he was not prepared to tour the West Indies under the current management.

Did he lose support in the dressing room through his god complex?

KP has said "I'm not in a fit state to talk about the resignation," leaving no one any clearer, except he's lost the ability of speech (finally).

It has emerged throughout the morning that KP, shock horror, is a bit of an egomaniac. He's been forced to resign after telling the board: sack Moores or I go (dangerous game). The board said: you're gone.

NWG thinks that perhaps KP has forgotten who he is.

Things KP is not:

1.God.
2. A cricket selector with decades of experience.
3. A toddler in a supermarket expecting to get everything he wants.
4. Just generally a toddler.
5. A certified cricket coach, capable of controlling training and coaching sessions.
6. England captain.
7. A member of Liberty crappy X getting rid of a bandmate.

England cricket is not a toy or boyband. Captains can't go round deciding who's in and who's out just because they don't see eye to eye. Captains also can't leak stories to the press just because they can. It doesn't make you strong. It doesn't make you clever. And, most importantly, you lose the support of your players.

Let the new England captain take heed of these mistakes.

12pm - The ECB are denying that neither KP nor Peter Moores have officially resigned. Have they not opened their post today?

6pm - After the statement by Hugh Morris, it seems things were not quite so clear. KP is stating he only resigned an hour ago. It is also rumoured that Moores was sacked.

All these rumours and snippets of information are doing the team no good at all. England need unity, quiet and peace. KP, for whatever reason, has had a meltdown. Moores has gone. The West Indies beckons.

NWG despairs. This would never happen in Australia.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

Episode Three of Star Moores: Revenge of the Players

The battle still rages. World's are colliding. People are being sacrificed. Kevin/Luke and Peter/Darth still have not settled their many disputes. That was until Steve/Obi-wan came on to the scene.

It's been Steve/Obi-wan's wise words ("they've got to get their heads together and have a chat") that have led to the latest development.

Marriage counselling.

The first session was filled with anger and bitterness. There was no communication, no respect until Yoda, the therapist, was forced to separate them.

"Learn to love each other, you must." He kept saying over and over.

Kevin/Luke stamped his feet, crossed his arms and cried. That made Peter/Darth feel bad. After three hours they came to an agreement, of sorts.

They will have another session tomorrow and try to resolve their issues. But let's face it: it's better than war.

Monday, 5 January 2009

Episode Two of Star Moores: The Press Strikes Back

After a fight to end all fights between Kevin/Luke and Peter/Darth, Luke had his hand ripped off by a cricket bat. This would have been especially bad for Kevin/Luke given his batting skills and penchant for switch-hitting, but luckily he found a company that makes spare arms.

Meanwhile, the elders of the world (David Gower, Mike Selvey, Simon Barnes, Nasser Hussain, Patrick Kidd) condemned the epic duel. Their belief was that the young and impressionable Kevin/Luke was too naive to know what he was doing, but that his use of the force meant Peter/Darth could not control the universe forever because his power was weakening (the ECB would never sack the Captain - too controversial).

The England side, ready for battle with the planet West Indies and the current largest planet Australia (for now), needed peace to reign if they were ever going to be able to concentrate on beating them in a colossal fight involving throwing space ships/bowling and light sabres/batting.

Will Peter/Darth manage to persuade Kevin/Luke that he is his father and should not be killed, or will Kevin/Luke stay strong and kill him anyway for the good of the world?

The force (manipulation of the media) is strong with Kevin/Luke and the dark side (moaning about how unfair it all is) is really going out of fashion.

Tune in tomorrow for Episode Three of Star Moores and find out if the second battle has begun and who will survive (odds on favourite to go: Peter/Darth)

Sunday, 4 January 2009

Episode One: Star Moores

(Should be read entirely with a deep, American accent).

In a world far away.

Where hope has been lost.

Where dreams have been crushed.

There was one man.

One man to fight for the living.

One man to right the wrongs.

One man to stand up and be counted.

Kevin/Luke Pietersen was faced with his father/coach Peter Moores (Darth Vader). Peter wanted to control the world/dressing room, Kevin/Luke wanted freedom and the right to choose who he played with at the weekends.

It was an epic battle, a battle that still rages, between good and evil, between light and dark and a battle too strong for just one man.

Kevin/Luke knew he must rise up to defeat Peter/Darth. He gathered his men and spoke to them about going to the West Indies/planet cricket after defeating Peter/Darth. The men were unsure. Could they survive/win without Peter/Darth's powers? Could Kevin/Luke provide his men with a new father/coach who could unite the team?

Find out how and if Kevin/Luke defeats his father/coach in the next episode of Star Moores.