Saturday, 14 March 2009

20 + 20 = 40

Tomorrow's twenty20 does not come at the greatest time for England.

Because they're not very good.

Let's be honest here.

Test matches - not very good. Occasionally can win, but it's becoming a rarity. Excuses are carted out all over the place. Bowlers are rested. Batsmen are sidelined. Yet still England have found no 'golden' team to do the business. The West Indies series is evidence of this.

ODI - sometimes good. Beat South Africa last summer, but then that was only because they whooped England in the Test series and they were tired. And then there was the Indian ODI series. What happened there then....

Twenty20 - the only good memory NWG has of Twenty20 games involving England was that one game played in the summer of 2005, where England beat Australia by 100 runs. NWG thinks that perhaps 2005 was some magical year (maybe like 1966), where moons and stars align and make all other sporting teams either lose or cause injuries to important players (when else has a fast bowler 'stepped' on a stray ball and sprained their ankle? Exactly). The other overriding memory is, of course, the game played for money by the strange Texan man who now probably faces jail. Oh yes. And England lost. Badly.

So, in conclusion. England have not played good cricket in five years. They lose a lot. Sometimes they win. Pitches are blamed. Captains are sacked. What remains is that tomorrow's game does not fill NWG with hope. Her expectations are so low, that if even one player makes in in to double figures or a bowler gets a wicket, she will smile.

Thursday, 12 March 2009

The Pointless Awards

With the news that for some unknown reason Matt Prior was awarded man of the match, NWG has decided it's about time for some more (pointless) awards.

Award for wearing their wedding ring round their neck - Andrew Strauss

Award for most disappointing comeback after injury - Andrew Flintoff

Award for the country previously thrashed only for them to come back and do their own thrashing - Australia

Award for tallest player - Chris Tremlett

Award for most stylish interpretation of the referral signal - Chris 'I'm too cool for school' Gayle

Award for paternity leave - Matt Prior

Award for best sunglasses - Graeme Swann

Award for appealing when it's pointless - Monty Panesar

Award for most broken bones in their hands - Graeme Smith

Award for getting the word 'look' into every interview at least 50 times - Ricky Ponting (it was a tight race between all of the Australian team)

Award for the worst pitch - Antigua

Award for the best commentator talking constantly about how brilliant England is - Nasser Hussain

Award for best application of mascara - Alastair Cook

Award for their ability to catch - Paul Collingwood

Award for the umpire who kept a straight face and didn't have a fight with the bowler who referred his decision, especially when the bowler was found to be right - Darryl Harper

The special achievement award for being utterly pointless, yet also managing not to get sacked - Giles Clarke (standing ovation)

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Yes, Fine, It Was Really That Bad. England Cricket Officially in Doldrums

So England lose. Again. Nightwatchgirl is resigned.

England have moments of brilliance. The last couple of hours of play were at least interesting to watch (which is something that feels new, but surely that is whole point of cricket?).

Has the England fan's standard of watching/enjoying the game shot down to its lowest level? Are we just satisfied that Chanderpaul only got 6 runs? Or that James Anderson had a decent spell finally?

NWG feels that the Australian fan is like a rich businessman, used to eating out in expensive restaurants and buying bottles of wine equal to someone's annual salary. When the restaurant is shut, they feel cheated and angry.

The England fan is like a starved, poor telesales worker, earning pittance and surviving on kebabs. Occasionally they might splash out and have a nice pizza, which is extremely enjoyable and afterwards they feel full of lovely, greasy cheese, but tomorrow it's back to the kebabs.

The difference between those two is that Australia expect to eat out. England have no expectations.

This must change. Someone (preferably more than just one) in the England side must pull their socks up and deliver (in cricket - not pizza).

Please.