Friday, 31 December 2010

NWG's Cricketing Translation Service Part III

Brad Haddin - "He's ready to do this job. We're 100% behind him."

Translation: "No one else wanted it."

NWG's Cricketing Translation Service Part II

Kevin Pietersen - "I lost the captaincy, I got rid of the English captaincy for the good of English cricket and we would not be here today if I had not done what I did then."

Translation: "I rule."

Thursday, 30 December 2010

NWG's Cricketing Translation Service Part I

Ponting - "I am devastated not to be playing at Sydney."

Translation: "I am more relieved than you could possibly understand. I will be at home in Tasmania with my devils and chicken schnitzel."

Andrew Strauss - "Of course we want to win at Sydney to win the series."

Translation: "I don't care."

Peter Roebuck - "South African born Kevin Pietersen etc. etc."

Translation: "Generation Y, Aussie, Usman Khawaja."

Michael Clarke- "I'm certain Punter will be back ASAP."

Translation: "Because I can't score any runs either and I don't have the excuse of a broken finger."

Ricky Ponting- "My finger got more broken and that's why I can't play."

Translation: "Shane Warne sat on it."

Graeme Swann - "I'm so happy."

Translation: "I'm drunk."

Ian Bell - "Chris Tremlett is really tall."

Translation: "Chris Tremlett is really tall."

Simon Katich - "My ankle is fine. No worries."

Translation: "Even my tendons have abandoned me."

Doug Bollinger - "My hair is natural."

Translation: "If by natural you mean my hair has been sown in to my scalp."

Tim Neilsen - "The challenge is to make sure Mitchell Johnson is relaxed, thinking well and thinking clearly."

Translation: "And even then he's rubbish."

Philip Hughes - "I am pumped and I can't wait to get out there. Mentally I feel really good and I am hitting them good in the nets, which is always a good sign."

Translation: "If only the nets were the same as playing in an actual Test and I wasn't pumped full of cotton wool to make me look taller."

Michael Beer - "It was good to meet Shane Watson and Ryan Harris in the Qantas Lounge."

Translation: "They thought I was the waiter, until I explained I'd been playing cricket for, like, three months and I was in the squad."

Steve Smith - "It's about making sure everyone else around is having fun, whether it be telling a joke or something like that on the field."

Translation: "Just don't ask me to bowl. Or bat. Or field."

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

And There It Is

And it all happened rather quickly. Just like that, England have retained the Ashes.

Australia were a bit rubbish.

Ponting has gone mad.

The England players think they can dance.

And NWG can't really believe it. All those months where her heart has been fluttering with anxiety and anticipation. All those threats from the Australians (Glen, NWG hasn't forgotten) saying how they were going to win (5-0, what?). All those hours before Brisbane started where NWG was frightened. The time in the bar in Brisbane where she met Jimmy, the General of the Barmy Army. The annoying guy she was sitting next to on the first day of Brisbane where he would look over at her when an England wicket fell. The endless hours where she listened on the radio while she was driving. Even in the air when the pilot turned on the radio transmitter so he could gloat, and actually she just listened to Strauss and Cook bat and bat and bat. All the time she was in LA and listened on her computer to TMS. NWG refusing to listen to jet lag and staying up and watching at the MCG.

And last night. The hour and a half where she watched those last precious wickets.

And England won.

And it was joyous.

Bring on Sydney,

Day Three

Haddin, stop being a spoilsport.

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Shane Watson

Because this proves that not all Australians are the same.

This proves that some have a sense of humour (although not large, it's still there).

This proves that Ricky Ponting is on his own.

NWG would like to take this opportunity to officially declare that Shane Watson is now her favourite Australian player, just for this interview.

(NWG would suggest clicking on Shane Watson in the title)

Amusing

Monday, 27 December 2010

Rules For Ricky

1. NWG shouldn't even have to write this down, but cricket is not football.

2. No talking back to the umpires.

3. No swearing at the umpires.

4. No getting your tall mates (Wareckidle - see previous post) to try and intimidate the umpires.

5. Stop being a bad sport. You'd never see Andrew Strauss talking like that. In fact, NWG is almost positive he doesn't know any swear words.

6. Just because Santa didn't bring you a certificate for plastic surgery to have the scar removed doesn't mean you can take it out on umpires, or anyone for that fact.

7. Just let Michael Clarke take over. You've obviously had enough.

Day 2 Melbourne

England just seem to quite like batting. NWG is not sure where this has come from. Who knew after Perth that they all just wanted to wear the helmets and stand in the middle for hours on end.

Australia, on the other hand, don't seem to like bowling. Or fielding. Or umpires. Or the English. No, NWG was wrong. They like Paul Collingwood and Ian Bell.

Is it just NWG that thinks Peter Siddle looks like a cross between Wayne Rooney and Shrek?

Sunday, 26 December 2010

Day 1 Melbourne

What a Christmas present.

NWG would like to thank all of the England team for reading her letter to Santa.

Also, she appreciates what a pain it is to have to stay up in to the middle of the night. It is extraordinarily inconvenient.

Still. She would like to be positive. But she doesn't like Philip Hughes. Mainly because in the press conference before the last Test he talked about how he was a lot more confident but he wouldn't say why.

This is ridiculous. You can only be confident when you are good.

Hussey can be confident (and NWG would like to raise awareness at his good sportsmanship for walking tonight) because he is good.

Even Ponting (although this series he's a little shaky).

But not Philip. Or Lippy as NWG might call him.

NWG hopes she will wake up tomorrow morning with more good news for England.

Friday, 24 December 2010

Merry Christmas

NWG would like to wish one and all a very merry christmas on this auspicious post (number 500, wow NWG can go on and on).

That is until tomorrow night, in which case it stops becoming Christmas and starts becoming Ashes worry again.

But for the next 24 hours NWG will just enjoy the festivities.

p.s. she has also seen a Christmas present under the tree with cricket ball wrapping paper. Hurray.


Sunday, 19 December 2010

1-1

NWG realises her mistake.

Firstly, she came home.

Secondly, she confused the England team with marathon runners when they are in fact sprinters.


Thursday, 16 December 2010

LA Is No Place For Cricket

NWG is on her last day of holiday. This is sad.

Not least that it's sunny here and NWG knows that she is going home to snow.

But, there is an upside.

It may have taken five weeks, but she's just realised that she can listen to BBC radio. So last night, at about 8pm, she settled down with her laptop to listen to the first day of the Perth Test.

And oh my.

Tremlett has landed in the right place at the right time.

NWG feels a little sorry for Ponting.

But not for Hughes. She doesn't like him at all (no, she doesn't know why).

NWG will be in the air for the second day which is extremely annoying. She doesn't land until 12pm, so she will have to rush home and watch the highlights.

It's all very exciting.

Monday, 13 December 2010

Farewell Australia

NWG leaves Australia tomorrow. This is sad news. Not least that she returns to the cold shores of England on Friday (she has a little stop off in Los Angeles) and she'll have to watch the Perth Test from her house in London.

She has just looked at the weather.

She hates winter.

Still. The plus side is that she can watch from an England perspective. Although she can appreciate the Australian commentary lot, she has missed Ian Botham and Nasser Hussain et al.

So goodbye Australia.

It's been a blast.

Poor Nathan

NWG rarely feels sorry for anyone other than Matthew Hoggard (and Ryan Sidebottom's wife), but poor Nathan Hauritz has flogged his cricket stuff outside his flat.

What has the guy done to deserve this?

Why has someone who has only played cricket for a couple of days be better than him?

Bad form Australia.

Friday, 10 December 2010

New Team (Hopefully) Same Result

So they've decided to play bingo with the Australian team, and guess who had two fat ladies?

(88) Mitchell Johnson. Dropped for playing badly, has not played a game in between the last test and the next one, and reinstated.

(23) Philip Hughes. That's it really.

(19) Michael Beer. Who?

(7) Steve Smith. If only Australia could find some grown ups to play in the team.

KP, A Lamborghini And The Australian Police

This is exactly as Shane Warne had planned.

(Shane's mind).

I know, I'll get KP a fast car, make sure it's yellow so the police can really see it, then just sit back and wait for him to be jailed.

Well, Shane, your plan didn't work. KP only got a ticket and the eternal shame of driving a yellow car.

But still. It's not responsible for an English player, namely one that England require UNDAMAGED, to be let loose in a racing car. The Australians are, in a very polite way, rubbish drivers.

Just think what could have happened.

Andrew Strauss, NWG implores you to be extra careful with the England team. Do not let them do silly things. Keep them where you can see them at all times. Don't let them swim alone. Don't let them walk in the bush alone.

Just keep them with you.

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Who Goes? Australia Should Decide.

The moment of truth is upon us all readers.

Well, not really those that read NWG's ramblings, but those who live in these shores. (Australian shores that is).

The press is talking non-stop about who will get the chop from the team (and injuries).

1. Well, an obvious one but Katich is out. England found his achilles, which was helpfully where his achilles was and he's now out for the series.

2. Xavier Doherty. Apparently not a Test spinner anymore (ten days ago he was the future of Australian spin, NWG doesn't know what this now means for spin in Oz). 'Nathan - all is forgiven' shout the wombats and various other species in Australia.

3. Doug Bollinger. No sooner was he in, and now he's supposedly out. Not fully cooked, so say the radio lot.

4. Marcus North. NWG doesn't really understand why he was in the side in the first place. He couldn't really bat, he can't really bowl and he's not a great fielder. Seems anyone can get in to the side these days.

5. Ponting......?

NWG firmly believes that there should be a phone vote a la Big Brother to decide who should be evicted from the team, with some humiliating live vote-off (preferably in the MCG just for added tension).

Day Five: The Best Of The Lot

No, NWG was not sitting inside watching the game.

And no, she didn't have BBC TMS on listening to the old favourites.

And no, she didn't even have Channel 9 and Shane Warne moaning about how unfair it all is (which, by the by, he does ALOT).

All she had was bad radio reception on the radio as she was driving down tiny roads through (admittedly lovely) countryside as she made her merry way from Armidale (don't go there people) to the Hunter Valley.

But it kind of added to the drama (along with no internet access).

When she switched on this morning she was eager to get going.

And then it happened. Hussey was out.

And then it happened again, and again and again.

For today, in the eternal battle between England v Australia, England won. And not just by a little.

But by an innings.

And it was brilliant.

Sunday, 5 December 2010

Day Three In Adelaide

NWG has never heard any Australian praying for rain.

That was until today.

Where has the old Australia gone?

Lovely

Saturday, 4 December 2010

Aussie Press Is Brilliant




Australia have had a horror day in the field. It's been 36 degrees, blue sky and a couple of batsmen who are hungry for runs.

Apparently Alastair Cook has only had 11 overs off the field FOR THE ENTIRE SERIES.

His mother obviously stopped feeding him before he went away. Thanks Mrs Cook.

NWG also thought that although it may be cold and snowy, these pictures ought to cheer you up. She also listened to the commentary today on ABC and never before has she heard a bunch of Australians so sad and gloomy.

It makes her happy.

Friday, 3 December 2010

The Powerful Mind of Shane Watson

"I tried to make a loud call and it just didn't come out."

- Shane Watson on having Simon Katich run out for a (who knew?) diamond duck.


Michael

Thanks, but no thanks.

Ricky

Thanks, but no thanks.


Thursday, 2 December 2010

Adelaide Test, Day 1, And A Good Start

Well, England didn't want to win the toss anyway....

To Queensland Mosquitoes

Dear Mosquitoes,

NWG would like to inform you that she has no blood left for you to suck. Please kindly find other sources of food.

Yours sincerely,

NWG

The Mo Is Gone

Farewell little Mo. You kind of reminded NWG of a '70s actor of the night.

So did your bowling.

For Mitchell has been dropped. In to a cold, dark room. Filled with Australian hasbeens, Kangaroo soft toys and blow-up crocodiles.

NWG is in two minds.

Yes, he was bad during the Brisbane Test. He didn't bowl well (now Steve Harmison can rest easy knowing Mitchell's bowling was worse than his), he didn't score any runs, and he can't catch.

But on the other side, he would have been good to still be in the side for England's sake.

NWG is currently in Daintree, in the far north of Queensland. Surrounded by rainforest, insects, birds and more mosquito bites than she would care to mention, she had initial concerns that she would be too far away from anywhere to get updates on tomorrow's cricket.

But, thankfully, not only does she have broadband (0h the modernity), she also has access to channel 9, one of only two TV channels up here.

So tomorrow, instead of seeing the rainforest, looking at crocodiles and generally being at one with nature, she will be inside, curtains drawn, keeping an eye on the England team.

Go England.

Monday, 29 November 2010

The End Of Test Number One

NWG could be no prouder.

Yes, she's been stuck on a boat all day, but as soon as she was back on dry land, she ran straight to find out the score.

And who would have thought it?

Alastair Cook: You, sir, are a special man.

NWG could not believe what happened at the Gabba the last two days. And she couldn't believe the list of records that have been smashed.

It is England's winning draw. And it is Ricky's scar that is starting to throb.

Bring on the next Test.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

No Words

Alright, NWG exaggerates. There are some words:

Amazing.

Brilliant.

Inspiring.

Necessary.

The perfect medicine for the confident Australians. NWG wishes she was still at the Gaba.

And you know what NWG is doing tomorrow? No, not sitting inside watching the cricket. She picks tomorrow to go off on an island cruise thing in the Whitsundays.

Why?

She is going to miss it all.

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Does This Explain Why Australians Are So Good At Cricket?


This, readers, was taken inside the Gaba.

NWG has alerted the authorities and fines are being sent to the Australian team as she types.

Glorious (Read Rubbish) Photos of A Glorious (Read Rubbish) Two Days



Day Three (Also From Hell)

NWG is so glad she is not at the GABBA.

For today, frankly, was awful.

The only consolation is that Hussey missed out on 200. That's right, that's the only good thing about today. Oh, and that NWG is now in Mission Beach where it's boiling hot.

And Strauss managed to score. Who knows how many (England need it to be about 400).

God speed England.

Friday, 26 November 2010

Day Two (Slightly Better)

Ponting out for 10. How sweet that sounds.

The GABBA has treated NWG a lot better today. Not only did she have a better view (photos to follow), but England decided today was the day that the Ashes started.

The roar from the England fans when Ponting was out for 10 made NWG slightly homesick. She misses the Oval. The only disappointment was the rain, ruining any chances of knocking off Haddin before the end of play.

And NWG is happy to report that although the last couple of hours of play didn't go exactly to plan, those lovely couple of hours where a steady stream of Australian batsmen came in and then went out again, was just wonderful. NWG was so glad she decided to go (because there were a few moments when she wasn't entirely sure she could cope with more humiliation).

England, NWG is so proud. But she must sign off now because neighbours starts soon and she is heading straight off to the Pig and Whistle to have some drinks with the Barmy Army.

p.s. just in case you missed it, Ponting was out for 10.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Day One (From Hell)

So today there involved a car, a near miss, an argument, someone being sent to prison, a near drowning and..........

oh no wait, that wasn't the cricket, that was neighbours...

NWG is very sad. Today she had really hoped that England would at least try and make an effort - you know, actually try.

But no.

They did not.

Is she being unfair?

Good points:

Alastair Cook - good innings through tough times.
KP - actually showing that he can take on a whole crowd of booing Australians (why? NWG will remember that the next time they are back in town) and although not getting a huge amount of runs, providing a bit of stability.
Ian Bell - who knew? What would England have done without him today?
The Barmy Army - for showing NWG a good time last night at the Pig and Whistle, for selling her a t-shirt and for shouting down the one Australian who had snuck in there with amusing chants such as 'you're on your own.'
The weather - balmy, without being too hot.

Bad points:

Andrew Strauss - what the hell?
Jonathan Trott - not acceptable.
Paul Collingwood, Matt Prior, Stuart Broad - stand at the back of the class and do not return until you understood why an entire country is upset with you.
James Anderson - NWG knows it's asking a lot, but couldn't you have at least tried to get a wicket at the end of the day?
The Australian sitting next to NWG who would look at her everytime a wicket fell (and that was pretty often), until at one point she felt like she may start a fight.
The hat-trick.

All in all, today was not a day that NWG will care to remember. Instead she chooses to focus on the positives; namely, today is over.

Tomorrow she hopes for a repeat performance only in reverse, and if KP could get the hat-trick, that would be even better.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

When Did That Happen?

When did Eoin Morgan get dropped for Ian Bell?

When did Ian Bell start attempting to participate in Movember? (NWG's guess is 2009)

Who is Xavier Doherty?

Where's Ricky's scar gone?

Who will NWG be sitting next to in Brisbane?

Will the Australian fans be mean?

How much beer can NWG drink in two days?

Is NWG staying in the same hotel as the England team?

Who will win the toss?

Will Alastair Cook score more than 10 runs?

Will KP stand the pressure?

Who will answer these questions for NWG?

KP And Australia

It seems strange to NWG that the Australian media spend so much of their time focusing on KP.

He's just a guy.

He's human.

He has a mustache (which looks a bit '70s, but still).

All the media want to talk about is:

Will he play well? Can he recover his form? If he doesn't play well, will it mean England lose? Is he too cocky?

Well NWG has an answer for you Australia:

It's fine if he doesn't, and fine if he does.

Have they forgotten about last summer? England can manage. As much as he likes to think so, England can manage.


Tomorrow Is One Step Closer

NWG is poised to leave Tasmania tomorrow for the bright lights of Brisbane. Yes, it's that time that she thought would never come - time for the cricket.

She has mixed feelings about Thursday. It's all very well talking about the England team and how well they well do, but she will actually be going. She will be there. And it hasn't quite dawned on her the scale of her nerves.

She has some things with her to make her feel better. The first is her England flag. That will be wrapped around her. The second is the weight of expectation of all the England fans who are willing the team to do well.

All NWG wants is for the first two days to be good. England doesn't have to be 3000 runs ahead, or have bowled Australia out for 54. She just wants to be proud (read not embarrassed).

NWG knows this is a lot to ask.

Monday, 22 November 2010

Cricket: The Board (bored) Game


NWG was just minding her own business in a little shop in Tasmania (as you do when you have four days to go till the Brisbane Test), when she saw this.

No, she didn't buy it.

And yes, her first thought too was 'how strange Australia is.'

Her second thought was that it was no surprise that this game was now in a junk shop.

Her third thought was how odd Michael Clarke looks. It explains his lack of modelling contracts.

Her fourth thought (NWG knows, four thoughts in a matter of seconds) was, is this why Australian cricket is/was so good? Because they spend all their time playing this game?

p.s. yes, your eyes aren't playing tricks on you, that is Andrew Symonds.

Yes, It's True

Shane Warne is advertising for McDonalds (and no it's not for a salad).

He is, after all, everything you would want in a fast food model...

Slimline. Healthy. Fit.

Great choice Ronald.

KP And His Big Mouth

Although the Aussies have conveniently forgotten that KP was injured last summer during the Ashes, they keep harping on about how important he is to the team. This has not been helped by the little video showing the victory dance.

This has made the news. NWG isn't sure why. The only thing she does know for sure is that someone is going to say something to her at Brisbane and she is going to lose her temper.

Why can't Australians take a joke like NWG?


NWG Is Still Here

NWG has been in the outback. Well, not the technical outback, actually not the outback at all, she is in Tasmania, but it feels like she is in the middle of nowhere and back in time.

Still. She is reading the papers. She's listening to the radio. And believe her, it's all cricket.

And despite the fact that the Australian team are in disarray, the Australian press don't seem to mind. Aside from Glen McGrath (fresh from his wedding) saying 5-0, the press are firmly behind the team. NWG suggests they are in denial.

And the day is getting closer and closer. Thursday is terrifyingly close. She already feels the nausea.

How is she going to cope?

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

NWG Made It

Have no fear readers, NWG is in Australia. It's warm.

And the Ashes are a little over a week away.

Which means there is a lot to talk about, and not much time.

Needless to say, the Australians keep talking about winning 5-0 (yeah, right), and how they were forced to announce their 17 man squad (how useful, if only a team was made up of 17 players).

NWG is far more interested in next Thursday. The day is fast approaching. She has bought face paint and an England flag.

More posts will follow. NWG is just finding it hard to find the time in between sun bathing, shopping and being deliberately argumentative with every Australian she meets.

And before you ask. No NWG is not Kate Middleton.

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Oz Woes

Australia lose again.

It's a good trend.

That is all.

Friday, 29 October 2010

Suggested Films To Watch On The Plane

So England are currently in the air on their merry way to Oz.

NWG thought it only friendly to suggest some films for them to watch whilst counting down the many hours it takes to fly to the other side of the world.

Bambi - shows the fight against adversity.

Dumbo - because elephants can fly.

Speed - illustrates the need to think clearly under pressure.

Anchorman - proves you don't need to be cool to be successful.

Lord of the Rings - because it's really long and will take up three hours of the flight and also shows that if you want something too much it will make you crazy.

Australia - just so, you know, you can be familiar with the surroundings.

Scream - just substitute the knife for a cricket ball and you can imagine what it will be like to see a scary Australian running at you at full speed with killer eyes.


Thursday, 28 October 2010

A Quick Note

To all England players heading off down under tomorrow:

Don't lose your bloody passport.

Remember suncream.

Remember your kit.

Bring back the little urn.

That is all.

Sunday, 24 October 2010

NWG Is Back

Everyone needs a break, even NWG. And she has a lot to share, well, kind of share whilst also making sure she can walk down the street without getting mobbed (she just wants her privacy. Paps are so intrusive....).

This week has been an exciting cricket week. Not necessarily in the news front, but the adventures NWG has been having.

First off. Guess who she managed to meet.

None other than Our Great Captain. Mr Strauss. And he was lovely. And quite small. And quite thin (worrying). But friendly.

And then there was also Alastair Cook. Taller than NWG expected, but also managed to crack a few jokes (NWG can't reveal the jokes, it would give too much away). But NWG is rather concerned as he was having a beer.

NWG will not accept the drinking of alcohol so soon to the Ashes. The Boys should be on a strict diet. No booze. No fun. Just cricket. Catching practice. Batting practice. Bowling practice. That's all that they should be doing.

NWG is not travelling all the way Down Under to watch Cook not be able to bat because of that one beer she saw him drinking. Unacceptable.

She also managed a quick chat with Aggers who invited her up to the commentary box during the Brisbane Test, which she will be taking him up on.

And yes, before you ask, NWG has started packing. She leaves in a few weeks and she can hardly wait.

Friday, 15 October 2010

What Did NWG Say?

Keep the players wrapped in cotton wool. Nothing extreme. Nothing that could damage.

Nothing that could injure.

And now look what's happened.

James Anderson, spindley little thing that he is has cracked a bloody rib.

Why do they put England fans through this? NWG is now facing weeks of disturbed sleep worrying whether Jimmy's body is healing.

Are they putting him in an oxygen chamber? Did that help or hinder Rooney? NWG can't remember now...

because she is panicking.

NWG Is Smart

NWG can't reveal how she got this information, but she thought it was best to share it.

It's the text messages between Warne and Ponting. Oh yes. It really is.


Ricky: Warney, how cud u say that? My fielding positions are top x.

Warne: Ah look Ricks, just being honest. Also have to keep my twitter fans happy.

Ricky: Not OK. Am really hurt and upset. You've betrayed me x.

Warne: Stop being such a girl. Man up. If any England fans get hold of these, they'll eat u alive.

Ricky: It's about more than that and u know it. You're meant to have my back xx ;)

Warne: Your back is hairy :(

Ricky: Shut up. At least I'm not fat ;D

Warne: Fair point, but I love every single burger I eat. Chin up mate.

Ricky: It's too late for that. I've got a really bad feeling xx

Warne: That'll be the curry you ate ;)

Ricky: I mean about the Ashes. We've lost 3 in a row. It's bad x

Warne: Yeah it is. I'm enjoying it. Might write a diary and flog it post-ashes.

Ricky: Warney, I'm reaching out to you. Think my job is unsafe. xx

Warne: Don't worry mate. Worst cast scenario you'll be commentating before the year is out. It's not that hard.

Ricky: I hate you :(

Warne: Don't make stupid field decisions then.

Ricky: I'm telling Langer on you.

Warne: Now I'm really scared.

Ricky: You should be. He can be really mean.

Warne: You're mincemeat x

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

NWG Is Happy

This may be a small victory for England. In fact, it doesn't really have much to do with England at all.

For it seems India have done England a huge favour (thanks for that).

Thanks to India beating Australia 2-0 in their series, Australia are now below England in the Test rankings.

NWG says hurrah.

Not that this means England will beat Australia. Not that the Ashes will be easy. But that finally, and it's taken a long while, England, on points (which is just as important) are better than Australia.

NWG will sleep happily tonight knowing old Ricky will be cross.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

What The?

What's happened to New Zealand?

Or should NWG say, what's happened to Bangladesh?

Either way, NWG is liking this upside down world. It gives England new hope for going down under.

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Cross Him And You Will Pay

Matthew Hoggard rules all. Anyone who disputes this fact is just wrong.

And what happens when you try and fight this?

Just ask Neil Davidson.

Thursday, 30 September 2010

Oh Now He Says It

NWG is a cynical girl. She generally doesn't believe what comes out of official's mouths when they can offer no proof. So when she heard that Ijaz Butt had finally decided that it was time to retract the statement claiming England had taken a bribe to throw a game she thought the world had seen sense.

Now comes a flourish of apologies and u-turns from him:

"I never intended to question the behaviour and integrity of the England players nor the ECB."

"It is regrettable that there was a misunderstanding arising from my comments."

"I deeply and sincerely regret that my statements have been interpreted to cast doubt upon the good names of the England players and the ECB."

Doesn't it work wonders when you can deny deny deny? And continue lying because you are frightened of legal action.

NWG is sick of this story.



Thursday, 23 September 2010

The Line-UP

And now we know.

Strauss - Not a massive surprise. Let's be honest.

Cook - NWG is not convinced. Even worse, he' vice-captain. Why. And oh, why?

Anderson - Expected.

Bell - why, all of a sudden? He's been out in the wilderness (aka Warwickshire).

Bresnan - Bit of a wild card.

Broad - Will he keep his temper under control? Answer - no.

Collingwood - Mr dependable. A ship steadier.

Davies - A Prior backup. Sensible.

Finn - Good choice. Could be a strike of genius.

Morgan - Thank heavens.

Panesar - Where did that come from?

Pietersen - Now he's good enough?

Prior - Sensible.

Swann - No words necessary.

Tremlett - A tall order (NWG is hilarious).

Trott - needs to keep his temper under control.


Wednesday, 22 September 2010

It's A Worthy End

And so there it was. England won the series.

Eoin Morgan is fast becoming one of NWG's favourites (she needs a good one now that Ryan is no longer on the international scene).

And it's the Ashes team announcement. All these things come at once, and NWG can't really cope.

At least today's game was a good one. And Pakistan can go home and think about what they've done (preferably on the naughty step).

NWG also hopes that Andrew Strauss will take on the comments alleging the England team took a bribe. Perhaps in a cricket court, where the judge is dressed like an umpire and those in the witness box have to face Swann bowling.

Monday, 20 September 2010

Goodbye, Farewell Curly And What?

Finally it's happened. Ryan has retired from international cricket.

And surprisingly NWG is not upset. In fact, she's pretty happy about it.

What she is not happy about is a certain member of the Pakistani cricket board suggesting that England players are under suspicion for taking bribes.

Just no.

First sign of guilt is to deflect.

NWG actually thinks that England shouldn't play today.

Don't go throwing things around that you can't substantiate. It makes you look ridiculous.

Saturday, 18 September 2010

Sometimes It's Just Too Easy



Old man Ponting (he is 35 after all and in sporting years that is approximately 89) is trying to prove he has still got it ('it' being defined as an Australian captain who is scarred and has a short temper).

This means going to the gym and working off all those barbies.

This also means (apparently) wearing a plastic jacket to exercise and turning the temperature up high enough to fry an egg (what this achieves is yet unknown other than to sweat out the Fosters).

Oh Ricky. Thanks for making NWG's day.

Friday, 17 September 2010

The Many Exploits Of Andrew Flintoff

Freddy has abandoned England. Fair enough. But to launch an assault on our TV screens is just one step too far. NWG understands he is in talks to do a series of reality shows. NWG has her own ideas.

1. Taking a pedalo across the Atlantic.

2. How many pints of beer does it take for Freddy to fall down in a live show.

3. Gathering all ex-England cricketers to buy a vineyard and make them pick all the grapes.

4. Watching Freddy watch paint dry or grass growing.

5. An Osborne's style show of his family, with him assuming the role of Ozzy: swearing, stumbling around his big house and generally having no clue as to what the hell is happening (not too much of a stretch).

6. Freddy in the Australian jungle alone while the Ashes is happening. Boring, but funny.

7. A Shane and Freddy chat show interviewing heavyweights such as The Saturdays, Jedward and possibly Kerry Katona.

8. Celebrity rehab.

9. A part in a soap, preferably neighbours. Recurring character, perhaps a long lost relative of Charlene.

10. Freddy's journey to becoming a life coach/hypnotherapist.

11. To appear on Dragon's Den complete with ridiculous invention pertaining to alleviate knee pain when actually it is a sock from Marks and Spencers.

This should keep him busy while he learns how to commentate on cricket.

Thursday, 16 September 2010

It's A Sad Day For England

Yes, he most likely would never have played again for England, and yes, he was probably passed his prime, but to hear those actual words that Freddy has retired from cricket is still sad.

NWG will miss him winning games for England.

She will not miss the Jesus pose when taking a wicket, or the way he chewed gum like a cow eating its lunch, but he remains as one of the greatest players of the game.

If only he could pass on some of his secrets the other England players.

NWG gives it three months before he has a new book out. She will not be reading it.

Farewell Freddy, thanks for everything.

Monday, 13 September 2010

Five Most Annoying Things In Cricket

1. Cheats. Self-explanatory.

2. Time difference. Making listening to the cricket (aside from the Brisbane Test when NWG will be actually watching the game) a nightmare. Should NWG just not adjust to the time difference when she returns so she can stay up and watch all the games?

3. Ryan Sidebottom. Yes, he has become less annoying now that he only plays in the Twenty20 games, but still - his hair, his attitude, he whole purpose of being annoys NWG.

4. October. There is no cricket.

5. Newspaper columnists. There are no girls out there writing about cricket. This is wrong. Just because they didn't captain a side, does that mean they don't understand the game?

Five Most Annoying Things In Cricket

1. Cheats. Self-explanatory.

2. Time difference. Making listening to the cricket (aside from the Brisbane Test when NWG will be actually watching the game) a nightmare. Should NWG just not adjust to the time difference when she returns so she can stay up and watch all the games?

3. Ryan Sidebottom. Yes, he has become less annoying now that he only plays in the Twenty20 games, but still - his hair, his attitude, his whole purpose of being annoys NWG.

4. October. There is no cricket.

5. Newspaper columnists. There are no girls out there writing about cricket. This is wrong. Just because they didn't captain a side, does that mean they don't understand the game?

Sunday, 5 September 2010

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater

NWG can't but help feel a little deflated. Pakistan have taken all the fun out of this series.

NWG is reminded of the boyfriend who cheated on her. Once it happens, the trust is gone (and so was he). You can never go back to the trust, and that's how she feels about Pakistan.

They cheated on England.

But Eoin Morgan is brilliant. That is a fact.

Tuesday, 31 August 2010

There Are No Words (Well, A Few, But You Know What NWG Means)

NWG is not his biggest fan. She has not spent many hours babbling on about how amazing he is.

But dropping him from the England team? Dropping him from the England team when he of all the batsmen needs some batting practice. Dropping him from the England team when this is the only cricket between now and November.

This is ridiculous. Has the ECB lost their mind? What's wrong with them? Is this the beginning of the downfall? It's only August? (just)

Australia will be rubbing their hands with an American tv show about a singing group in high school.

Sunday, 29 August 2010

Money Does Not Make The World Go Round

NWG doesn't really know where to start with Pakistan.

The whole issue is troubling.

Money does strange things to people, but NWG firmly believes that cricket, the game, the greatest game, now tarnished and bloodied, will suffer the consequences of these few naughty people.

But hats off to the New of the World for the story. It's one time where a tabloid actually makes life better for all in the long run.

And to Jonathan Trott and Stuart Broad - no, it has not affected your great partnership that saved and won the game.

To Pakistan - NWG can't help but be disappointed. Hopefully this is the kick in the box that you need.

Friday, 27 August 2010

Epic

So it seems that two men have taken on the task of being England's batsmen. Thank heavens.

Not content with another batting disaster, it was two lone men who took it upon themselves to be different...

...to score runs.

NWG is proud today of her team. Not the other lot who didn't care (maybe Matt Prior can be excluded from this).

For it was Jonathan Trott, Englishman, hero, batting supremo, the man with a level head, and Stuart Broad, impossibly tall and gangly, not known for his batting skill, but bloody excellent.

This gruesome twosome must be in this England side forever. Till they are old and grey. Till they can bat no longer. For now that they have done it once, it can always be done again.

Even if they are out first ball tomorrow they have played their part.

NWG is happy, even if her knee is still sore and she was forced to sit still all day and watch the cricket.


Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Knees, Ashes and Lots of Other Stuff

Fear not readers, NWG has not fallen off the side of the earth, she has, like all the greats in the world, had knee surgery.

And no, she has not, like one less than brilliant cricketer moved to Dubai to get a tan and ride camels, nor has she ditched the great game to eat cakes and pretend to be funny with Aggers.

She has just been lying rather still.

This has had its advantages.

Firstly, NWG has a new appreciation for scones. They are delicious. Secondly, NWG has watched way too much tv. This has included Big Brother (yes, she knows, it's rubbish, but still she has been very bored) and Come Dine With Me which she now believes to be the best thing in the world and should now most definitely and without fail have a cricketers special (imagine Matthew Hoggard's delightful dinner conversation and wonderful trifle).

Thirdly, and most importantly, she is now almost positive that England will win the Ashes. This is based almost entirely on NWG making the enormous journey to Australia (think of the effort).

NWG will now go and continue to lie down, mull over daytime TV and imagine how she will celebrate the Ashes in her codeine-stupor.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Oh It's Tough Being A Cook

No one is ever satisfied.

They are always criticising.

But poor Cook. He has failed again. And something needs to be done.

Strauss needs to be strong. He should know that there is another out there who can deliver nice scrambled eggs and crispy bacon.

His name is Trott and it's about time he went up the order.

Be strong England.

Update: Never mind being strong England, be at least a little bit good.


Wednesday, 11 August 2010

NWG Smells Trouble

This is a bad idea.

NWG suspects double agent status.

For John Buchanan, the Australian, the former Australia coach is on England's side.

Will there be another dossier?

Why can't everyone just play fair? Why do England need an inside scoop? They play Australia often enough. If they don't know it all by now, they never will.

And it just doesn't sit well with NWG.

NWG has a bad feeling about this.




Friday, 6 August 2010

Test? What Test?

Apparently there is other cricket going today. There are rumours that Pakistan were all out for under 70 runs.

Whatever.

Because NWG is celebrating today.

Matthew Hoggard has taken his 700th wicket.

England - where are you?

Thursday, 5 August 2010

Posting On Twitter Is Naughty x 100

NWG doesn't like to point fingers. She doesn't like to assign blame. But when you're caught, you're caught.

After a certain cricketer got cross and posted some bad things on his twitter account, NWG decided that she should look in to cricketers and their twitter accounts.

And look what she found.

@fredthebest

12.59am - not cricket playing isy best in the worldz

@pontingisseriousandneverjokes

5.30am up for my morning run, followed by weights and then appt. with plastic surgeon re scar on face.

@mprior

7.47am as a wise man once said: being born in one country doesn't mean you can't play for another.

@kprulesall

3.14am Piers morgan is the best guy in the world. Thanks for inviting me to the party. Can I be a judge on BGT or at least be a guest on CNN?

@ernie'sdad

9.29am just had a call from the flower man. He says I'm back in.

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Freddy's Comeback Postponed

It's probably not that much of a surprise given Fred's been working in a petrol station instead of training.

He's out till at least the end of the summer season.

Can he make the ODI's in Australia or can NWG expect a return when, oh what? the IPL?

NWG is too cynical...

Saturday, 31 July 2010

A Lesson For England

England when will you learn? England reminds NWG of a girl who never learns after her boyfriend cheats on her repeatedly. It means he's no good.

This is the same lesson England fail to learn.

Matt Prior = run outs.

It's probably not always his fault. NWG doesn't want to be too harsh (she does, on occasion, have a nice streak). It could be that his other England team mates don't really trust him either.

Perhaps today's example was of Eoin Morgan just wanting to get off the pitch. That he knew nothing good would come of it.

But it is surely more than coincidence that whenever Matt is out there, there is a run out.

NWG would like to teach Matt some lessons.

1. Only run when the other batsmen tells you to (you cannot be trusted).

2. Stop running when the other batsmen tells you to (you cannot be trusted).

3. Try and score runs to make up for the fact that you can't be trusted.

4. Never run your captain out.

Thursday, 29 July 2010

Excuses 101

Cook: "whoops, I wasn't ready, that doesn't count, does it?"

KP: "my ankle hurts."

Strauss: "I was thinking about twitter."

Trott: "I only like playing against Australia and South Africa."


Monday, 26 July 2010

It Came From Outer Space


It seems the universe has something to say.

Quite what is unclear.

A meteorite landed on the boundary yesterday at Sussex.

Was this the universe trying to participate in a game of cricket or was it trying to assassinate one of the players?

Either way, to send a 4.5 billion year old rock to Sussex at least caused a bit of excitement.

If it was headed to hurt Ricky Ponting (just to follow the tradition of causing him some sort of injury when he comes this way), it failed.

Saturday, 24 July 2010

Australia's Downfall Part II

No it wasn't a mirage.

No it wasn't a dream.

Australia really did lose.

Has England turf become their kryptonite?

Answers on a postcard.

Thursday, 22 July 2010

800

NWG concedes that Matthew Hoggard, albeit the greatest cricketer to walk the face of the Earth, has never managed to reach the dizzy heights of some.

Yes, NWG is taking about Murali.

He will now be referred to as The Greedy One.

800 wickets against your name is just excessive.

But NWG accepts he is one of the greats.

NWG would also like to point out that England is looking for a spin coach. They need someone to show Graeme Swann how it's done.


Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Australia's Downfall?

What happens when a side previously considered to be the best in the world that collapses to epic proportions?

Two fat ladies.

That's what happens.


Oh dear


Fred - do you not have enough money?


Tuesday, 20 July 2010

Horrifically Exciting News

NWG has something so exciting to announce.

Something that she never dreamed would happen.

But it has.

And she can't contain her excitement.

Because, NWG, a lowly cricket fan, who believes England are brilliant (even when they're not), and who likes nothing more than to spend the day watching them play a little game, has...

No that's not enough build up. Or maybe too much.

Maybe NWG should just come out and say it.

NWG is going to the Ashes.

In Australia.

Day 2 of the first Test in Brisbane.

NWG will be there.

Cheering on her team.

Loving every second.

Roll on November.

Friday, 16 July 2010

What?

Is it a bird?

Is it a plane?

Is it England?

No.

Impostors have taken over Lord's cricket ground. News is filtering through that Australia have been playing Pakistan.

And Pakistan lost something. Whether it is a game they've lost has not been confirmed.

Where is England?

Why are they hiding?

This is the summer and damn it, NWG expects them to be playing.

England.

Play.

Monday, 12 July 2010

Breaking News

Ravi Bopara confuses today's ODI game for a twenty20 match.

Scores 45 off 16.

No word yet as to whether he was deliberately misled regarding the game.

But whatever and whosever idea it was is frankly a genius.


Saturday, 10 July 2010

Let NWG Explain

There won't be any excuses here.

Bangladesh won because England couldn't score the runs.

This is why:

1. England can't win every match every time. This would just be boring. And would mean similarities to Australia which would always be bad.

2. No matter what can be said of Jonathan Trott, he's not really a speedy run scorer.

3. Bell is evolutionary now comparable to footballers and their biologically defunct metatarsals. For that very reason he should never play cricket again.

4. Bangladesh actually played better than England. Due to the tough laws of cricket karma, this means that they should have and did win.

NWG is not despairing. This does not mark the end of the world. This does not mean that England will lose the Ashes. This does not mean the entire team should be dropped or a captain lost.

As it quite clearly states on NWG's tea cup:

Keep calm and carry on.

Sunday, 4 July 2010

News

NWG would like to announce normal proceedings will hopefully resume next week.

She's been unexpectedly forced to not watch cricket (curse the system).

This will end on thursday (fingers crossed).

Meanwhile, on other news, England lost again. This is fine. NWG is not concerned.

But she would like to officially announce she is centimetres away from a ticket to Brisbane in November.

Fingers crossed.

p.s. Shaun Tait should play Test cricket, starting in 2011.
p.p.s. Ponting should retire in October.
p.p.s.s. Steven Smith needs to go back to school and finish his exams.

Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Well England had to give them one, didn't they?

Sunday, 27 June 2010

Sky Is Awful

Yes there is another sporting event on today other than cricket.

Yes NWG will be watching it.

But before the other thing starts, NWG would like to be watching the cricket.

But she cannot.

Because Sky is awful. And she has no reception or satellite signal or something.

This is most irritating.

Friday, 25 June 2010

England Win Again. Again Again.

Can winning ever become a habit?

The England side have won 7 straight ODI's. This is most unusual.

What's happened?

Is England a good side, or is Australia just not as good as they were before?

NWG is just happy that she gets to watch some games before she starts the thing she can't talk about anymore in case she gets in to trouble.


Tuesday, 22 June 2010

What To Do...

When cricketers start looking like they're twelve years old.

Hazlewood is simply too young to be playing cricket.

He should be: learning how to surf (aren't all Australians professional surf standard?).
Frolicking in fields with flowers and long grass.
Being taught maths, science, English and the like. An education is very important.
Making friends.
Learning how to shave.
Getting in to fights (not really violent ones, the scuffle kind with a bit of barging).
Asking Alf Stewart about working in the bait shop during the school holidays.
Saving up to travel around the world, only to end up living in Clapham or Earl's Court.

Instead he's hanging around with grown men, playing professional sport.

This is bordering on child abuse.

Australia: leave him alone.

Monday, 21 June 2010

When Something Is Not Quite As It Seems




This is just confusing for NWG. What do they mean? Why choose Ian Bell? What's secret about him? Since when is a 5 foot man a weapon?

Someone please provide some answers.

Saturday, 12 June 2010

World Cup Blues

NWG is on holidays (she does need one after all) and guess where she's decided to go?

New York.

And guess what she's just had to suffer through?

English football.

And guess what she feels about that?

She's just happy to be a cricket fan.

They try hard.

They win (world championships).

They don't select rubbish players (Curly excluded).

They come through.

So NWG is glad to be a cricket fan. And she feels sorry for all those football fans who know nothing of the wonderfulness of cricket and how England is actually good at something in the sporting world.

She has one final point.

USA will not get through the group stage. England played badly because they have too many Ryans on their team.

Note to Fabio: You need to find the football version of Matthew Hoggard.

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

NWG Is Lazy, But Not As Bad As Some

NWG always believed herself slightly lazy - she is a cricket fan after all - the height of laziness, sitting around all day and not doing much.

But then it came as some surprise to learn that the ECB are lazier than NWG.

They've decided that after two Test matches (especially the last one, that was an incredibly gruelling three days) that they should rest Steve Finn.

And instead of the ECB saying that they are lazy and they want to impose their laziness on their team, they've instead started calling it a "strengthening programme."

NWG has therefore decided to provide a glossary of terms the ECB like to use.

ECB: "We haven't decided which bowlers to take to the Ashes."

Translation: "We know exactly who we're going to take right now and we're not changing our minds no matter what happens."

ECB: "Ryan Sidebottom is an asset to the England squad."

Translation: "We put him in the squad to tease him. We need a laugh every now and again."

ECB: " Playing Bangladesh was worthwhile."

Translation: "We make some decent money out of it."

ECB: "We like having diversity in the England team."

Translation: "We don't care where you were born, if you can hold a bat or bowl a ball, you can qualify for England."

Saturday, 5 June 2010

To the ECB

See what happens when you don't pick curly?

England do rather well.

NWG hopes you can remember this fact for the future.

Sincerely NWG

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

Curls Is Back

It has now become totally evident that the ECB don't care what NWG has to say.

To say she's upset is an understatement.

To say she's annoyed really doesn't cut it.

Because for some unknown reason they think this is a good idea to choose the hairy one for his Test comeback.

All because of Tim's selfish foot for breaking.

NWG blames Tim's parents for a lack of calcium when he was young.

Monday, 31 May 2010

Finn II

Finn has been officially welcomed in to NWG's world.

Not because he's tall.

Not because he's young.

But because he did well.

And NWG is all about England cricketers putting in the hard graft and doing what they're meant to do.

Saturday, 29 May 2010

Rain Is Fine

Because they are forced to fill.

And they are forced to fill with England v Australia in the Twenty20 final.

And NWG can never get enough of that.

So it can continue raining.

Friday, 28 May 2010

Finn

The rules of being the new boy:

Make the tea.
Clean the boots of the entire team.
Accept all jokes will be aimed at you. And you must laugh. Really hard.
Get at least one wicket.
Pretend that KP is the nearest thing to god.
Never mention the fact you are born in the UK and half the team wasn't.
Call Andrew Strauss captain. Never Andrew. Or Straussy. That goes for KP too due to the fact he still thinks he's captain.
Don't speak until spoken to.
Don't drop a catch. Seriously, that's kind of an important one.
Don't grow your hair so it's curly and long and ridiculous.
Try and emulate the greatest bowler there ever was (we all know who that is, NWG surely doesn't even need to mention his name). You won't be able to, but you can at least try and it's a good starting point.
Don't outshine the other players. If you have too greater day it'll only mean the team will resent you. Slow and steady wins the race. Fact. Just ask the tortoise.
Be interesting in interviews. Tell the media you like Take That, or bird-watching, or play the tuba. This will almost guarantee you a spot on Question of Sport which is where all sportsmen make their pocket money.
Hold your drink.
Make your facebook page private.
Don't go out with a model. It's tacky. Buck the trend.
Don't ask Ravi Bopara about batting advice. It's just like rubbing salt in the wound and also his advice would mean you would forget how to bat.
Don't think that just because you got picked for a series against Bangladesh that you're on the plane to Australia.
Equally if asked by the media about the Ashes this winter never say England can win, or Australia aren't as good as they were. You will be severely injured if you make it by the entire bowling line-up. And it won't be pretty.

This should ensure you last the next couple of days.

Don't say NWG never did anything for you.


Thursday, 27 May 2010

NWG In Court

And so another summer begins. And so the sound of willow echoes around Lord's.

England (the World Twenty20 Champions) against Bangladesh starts a juicy summer and winter and frankly NWG is excited. There is so much cricket ahead. There's just one problem:

NWG has jury service at the end of June and she's worried it will interfere with her cricket watching.

Do they let you watch the cricket whilst sitting in a trial? Is it a valid excuse to say you can't be picked because you have tickets to see England v Australia? Can NWG sit refreshing her phone to know what the score is whilst she's supposed to be concentrating?

She needs answers.

Monday, 24 May 2010

England Cricketers Go To Downing Street


David Cameron: Welcome you warriors of England. Please enjoy some champagne.

KP: I have vague memories of being here before, but when? I was definitely wearing sunglasses and was going through my badger phase, but why was I here?

Paul Collingwood: This is great. Being captain rocks.

KP: Don't rub it in.

Graeme Swann: Where's the garden?

DC: Don't even think about it. I've installed sensors to detect pee.

GS: Damn it. I was going to post a picture of myself on Twitter having a tinkle.

Craig Kieswetter: I love England.

KP: Me too.

Eoin Morgan: Me too.

Michael Lumb: Me too.

Ryan Sidebottom: Me too.

CK: Ryan, you idiot. You're not part of our club.

RS: Fine. I'll just stand in the corner.

Entire England squad in unison: Good.

There's a knock at the door.

Ravi Bopara and James Anderson: Can we come in?

Entire England squad: No.



Friday, 21 May 2010

A Whole New World

So with the news that England are World Twenty20 champions (NWG may mention this at the start of every post this year even, as in this case, it is not connected in any way), there comes news of something exciting.

A bowler in England is trying to perfect bowling a ball that bounces twice before reaching the batsman.

And no, technically this is not a no-ball.

And yes, it may stop batsmen hitting those pesky sixes.

Will it be something Graeme Swann may adopt?

How will KP work out how to smack it over the boundary?

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Australia Win

Australia did win something after all. It just wasn't the boys.

Well done the women team - England thought it only fair that they share some prizes.

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Yes

England won something. They actually beat a string of teams to win an actual trophy.

They are world Twenty20 champions.

They thrashed Australia.

KP was man of the tournament.

There is simply too much good news, NWG can't take it.

But she would like to reiterate that she predicted England would win about a week ago. And she was right.

NWG is happy.

NWG is finally satisfied that England managed to deliver.

Today's The Day

Well it's here.

The big one.

The be all and end all (of today anyway).

The clash of the Titans (not in 3D).

NWG is frankly fearful. Australia played the game of the tournament against Pakistan, and all NWG is hoping is that that was their big one.

England must win.

This is their chance.

And let's face it, it's not going to happen again soon.

Friday, 14 May 2010

Australia Play In Boring Manner

As predicted by NWG, Australia will face England in the final.

Their semi-final against Pakistan was rather good. 191 should be a winning score.

Michael Hussey's last over was pretty impressive.

All NWG hopes is that Australia have had their game of the tournament, leaving England to actually win something.

Sunday is already worrying NWG. How will she sleep till then?

Thursday, 13 May 2010

England Will Win

Mark NWG's words.

Australia are toast.

Nasser Agrees NWG Is Right

There it was, live on Sky that Ryan is mean to his fellow sportsmen and that he's no Jonty Rhodes.

Well yes, Nasser. NWG has been saying this for months (possibly years).

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Sri Lanka Are Rather Good

Reasons why England might win:

The England karma is running on a high after KP created the next England captain (alright, in about twenty years time, but still).

They have never won this many games in a row, so it could feasibly continue.

It's about time.

Ryan might not play.

Reasons why England might lose:

Sri Lanka are a pretty handy side.

England have never won this many games in a row.

KP is on the wrong side of the Atlantic.

Ryan might play.

Monday, 10 May 2010

Breaking News: NWG Is Right. Again.

Yes, readers, NWG has become psychic. She knows England will win the tournament. She feels it in her bones.

And crucially, although she only caught the last twenty minutes of the game (work reasons, why can't NWG get a job in the cricketing world? It would make her life so much easier), she knew England would get the runs.

New Zealand looked a bit down and out.

Only trouble is Pakistan remain. And that's bad news for England because it means they have to beat them again. Tiresome.

And no, you haven't stumbled on to a blog written by an Australian who thinks they're English. NWG is genuinely English, which means:

1. She knows England can be rubbish.
2. They can't cope in stressful situations (you should have seen NWG on the tube when it was packed and she couldn't get a seat).
3. They generally self-destruct. In all situations.
4. They're England.
5. NWG knows that they are not the greatest team in the world.

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Twitter page: @MarkB46

@markb45 on way to middle. Love cricket. Feeling good about a win.

@swannyg66 we're going to get you.

@markb45 oh. Not going very well. KP scoring too many runs. Wish we included him in our team years ago. I blame Graeme Smith. Why can't they get along?

@kprulesall Yeah you regret it. Graeme is a fool and I have an England tattoo. So there.

@jaquesisn'tfatanymore Bouch, that was yours.

@markb45 no it wasn't.

@markb45 yup. This is going badly. Hate cricket.

@graemeI'mthebestcaptainintheworld why? why? why?

@morneistall when will I learn to keep behind the line?

@englandfaninthesun I love my painted on six pack. It makes me look cool.

@markb45 We can get that total, no probs.

@swannyg66 you haven't got a chance.

@markb45 oh yes we have. We're South Africa. We're brilliant.

@markb45 oh we're not that good after all.

@jamesandersonsitsaloneanddoesnothing I wish I was playing.

@ravibopara tell me about it Jimmy. I wish @jessp was having the baby already.

@ryanhairy see I am good. I can bowl and catch at the same time.

@jessp I'm having pains.

@kprulesall no you're not. I could be player of the tournament.

South Africa v England (South Africa)

Who will win?

Can England take wickets?

Can England score runs?

Will England fail like Pakistan right at the end (was quite a good game)?

NWG is concerned.


Friday, 7 May 2010

Australia Win: Big Deal

OK, so they batted quite well.

Shane Watson is beginning to annoy NWG with his sixes (what is it about Australian cricketers being called Shane?).

And India batted not so brilliantly.

But could England beat either?

Australia are looking particularly good at the moment.

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Shock

England actually won. They could even be described as good.

Fun fact of the day (and also surprising - don't say NWG doesn't deliver on content):

KP is actually the third highest scoring batsmen in International Twenty20. This is quite surprising as NWG doesn't really remember him scoring that many runs.

But there you go. Let's just hope that KP's wife doesn't go in to labour in the next week.

First Twenty Overs

A wicket here, a wicket there. A million wides. A rubbish Ryan. A stunning KP catch (yes, you read that right). Colliding fielders. Too many sixes. An Afridi who didn't score 1,000,000 runs.

Yes, this game is an interesting one.

Roll on the next twenty.

England Against The Champions

So this is brilliant. England's first game without rain (NWG is tempting fate, she knows) and it's against the Twenty20 Champions.

And what makes this worse is coach Andy Flower's comments:

"Pakistan is a very dangerous side, but I think we are pretty dangerous as well."

Now this is simple: never call your opponents dangerous, even if they are. And never call yourself dangerous.

Especially when you're England.

England are many things (annoying, frustrating and in no way dependable), but dangerous is not one of them.

Today's game will hopefully be a cracker, but NWG has a bad feeling...

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Almost, But Not Quite

Australia had a little wobble tonight against Bangladesh.

NWG dreamed.

She wished upon a falling star.

She even thought about making herself an early birthday cake and blowing out the candles (yes readers, NWG will be one year older on Tuesday).

But alas, she didn't and Australia won.

Next time, Australia, next time.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Rain Is No Match For England

NWG takes it all back.

England are through to the super-eights.

Hurrah.

Can they just drop Ryan please? Or at least make him cut his hair. It's ridiculous.
Curse the bloody rain.

Why?

Percentage chance of England win: 2.

Oh dear.

Percentages

NWG would like to believe that today's game against Ireland will be easy. A walk in the park. No problem.

But this is England we're talking about and that means banana skins are everywhere on that cricket field.

NWG has a nasty feeling that Irishman Eoin Morgan may have the odd pang of guilt for switching sides.

KP will feel that Ireland is far beneath him and think he's better than he is and be out for a duck.

Ryan Sidebottom will play (definite part in England's downfall yesterday).

NWG gives England a 40% chance of winning.

A 60% chance that Ryan's hair gets all frizzy from the humidity.

A 90% chance that Ireland win the toss.

A 95% chance that England will suffer from an unlucky D/L decision.

A 35.78% chance that KP will run off the field mid-game because his wife has gone in to labour.

A 1% chance that the South Africans in the England team realise that they picked the wrong country, try to get back in the South African side and get told they're not good enough.

A 14.93% chance that Stuart Broad cuts Ryan's hair in his sleep.

A 0.06% chance that Graeme Swann's car turns up in Guyana.

Monday, 3 May 2010

NWG Is In Shock

Because England lost. NWG would be rolling in the pennies if she'd had a bet (because let's face it, England would have been odds on to lose).

But, and she's not wanting to be a bad sport about this, the D/L system seemed a bit unfair tonight.

West Indies were always going to be able to get those runs. England were always going to lose.

NWG suggests (and this is bold) that D/L should also factor in wickets. So if a side chasing (like West Indies tonight) needed 40 off 30 balls, they should only have three wickets to spare. If they lose those three wickets, England have effectively bowled them out.

This seems fair, which even surprises NWG.

p.s. England actually batted rather brilliantly today. Without the luck of the Irish and the input of a couple (alright, several) South Africans, they would have been toast hours ago.

p.p.s. NWG told you Ryan is rubbish. When will England listen to her?

England Play Today

NWG is betting that England will lose. Not because they generally don't play very good twenty20 cricket (which they don't), not because they never win their first game (because they don't), not because it's against the West Indies (well, it is their home ground after all) but because:

Ryan Sidebottom is supposed to be playing.

Yes, you heard right. The dreaded one.

England, when will you learn?

Note: NWG is writing this post for two reasons: firstly she believes it to be true. Secondly, because normally when she's critical of Ryan it means he manages to let go of the ball at precisely the right time to make the batsman miss and he gets a wicket. Technically this post is for the England cricket team.

Go England. Blah blah blah.

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Golly

Five wickets in an over. Kind of greedy, yet at the same time, kind of brilliant.

Yes Australia did score 191. But that's not the point. NWG has never seen so many wickets in an over. And never seen so many Australians walk back off the field so quickly.

If only England could do that kind of thing.

NWG will keep dreaming.

Friday, 30 April 2010

KP The Dad and Model

Two posts in two hours? What's happening to NWG? Well, actually she just saw this photo of KP and had to have it on NWG, for this reason:

NWG has an uncanny skill of seeing a photo and knowing exactly what that person is thinking (to be honest sometimes this is a curse).

KP: "Wow, am I a good looking bloke or what? And I love how my goatee just really shapes my face beautifully. Also my tattoos make me look well hard. I rule. If only I could score some bloody runs."

Pitter Patter

NWG can hear the screams of agony from her south London home.

Because a little baby Pietersen is about to enter this world.

It won't be the biggest loss to not have KP in the side. But NWG will be looking forward to seeing him dash off the field mid-game to sprint to Heathrow.

Let's hope that pesky volcano behaves itself.

Thursday, 29 April 2010

There Is Cricket Tomorrow, Cricket, Actual International Cricket Which Will Be Totally Excellent, And Exciting And Brilliant

The World Twenty20 starts tomorrow. NWG is excited. She's been missing cricket. And even better it's in the West Indies where it's all warm and lovely.

How will England do? Who will fail? Who will do well? Will Pakistan win again? Could England win?

So many questions.

Friday, 23 April 2010

Superman, Oh No Wait, That's Wrong

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

Why no, it's.......

Cricket in America.

Yes, that's right. There will be a mini-tournament in May between Sri Lanka, New Zealand, and NWG assumes, the USA.

How amusing this will be. NWG wonders if they'll bother to televise it over here, and how much Sri Lanka and New Zealand are being paid to participate.

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

OK, NWG Had To Mention It

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the bloody volcano. It's erupting. It's cloudy. People are stuck. Blah blah blah.

But it becomes really serious when it starts to affect the England cricket team.

How are they going to get to the West Indies in time?

Well, obviously, they're going by sea and train to Dubai. And then to Barbados. No worries on the air miles front.

What would happen if one of their sponsors wasn't Emirates, but National Rail? Or a ferry company?

NWG believes they should just fly the other way round the world.

Simples.

Good luck boys.

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Wow. Who'd Have Thought It?

So England does have some decent cricketers after all. Who knew?

Wisden have come out with their cricketers of the year and Stuart Broad, Graham Onions, Graeme Swann and Matt Prior have all managed a mention.

First off. NWG can understand Stuart Broad simply for that wonderful Friday afternoon at the Oval. Yes it was joyous. Yes it was wonderful. So fine.

Graham Onions: new on the international scene. Made a great impact. OK, he can stay too.

Graeme Swann. A naughty boy, but arguably England's greatest find of 2009. He hangs on by his finger tips after his bad driving.

Matt Prior: what? Why? When did he become a 'great' cricketer. Yes, he's a fine wicket keeper who can occasionally score a few vital runs, but really? Is he that amazing? Please someone let NWG know if she's missed something (like a secret England tour when he was brilliant and NWG managed to sleep through it).

Friday, 9 April 2010

Just Not Cricket

Which Essex players (total 2) are being investigated by the police on match fixing claims? Own up naughty boys.

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Hang On, It's April 7

So it's not an April Fool's joke.

Andrew 'I like a shandy' Symonds is really coming to Surrey.

Why?

And, why?

Oh yeah and what?

He should have to have a breathaliser test before each game.

Saturday, 3 April 2010

Oh Graeme

Tut tut tut.

This is what happens when you drink and drive. You get arrested. People are disappointed. Sponsors think again. Team mates will offer advice. AA is mentioned. You will forever be associated.

Graeme, NWG is very unhappy with you.



Friday, 2 April 2010

The End Of Matt

The trouble with being a wicketkeeper is that there is simply too much pressure. It's a well documented fact that men cannot multi-task (case in point: KP - a cricketer and soon to be dad. Too much).

It's now proven too much for Matt Prior, who has been dropped for the Twenty20 World Cup. NWG does feel a little sorry for him. Being usurped by a younger, better version of yourself must suck (and Kieswetter has hair too, salt in the wound).

Kieswetter is a better batsman and a better wicketkeeper. That is not good for one's self esteem.

What NWG can't understand is why Prior has been assured his place in the Test team. You're either a good enough for both or not good enough for either, surely?

Are they giving him a second chance to prove himself? NWG doesn't understand. Can someone please explain?

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Anderson The Mystery

Although we are firmly in the twenty first century, there remains a few mysteries in this world.

For instance, why Americans don't like cricket. Or why England can't win in Australia.

But the mystery for now surrounds James Anderson's knee.

Turns out, no one knows what's wrong with it. And it's a given that perhaps Jimmy doesn't know, considering he's not a knee surgeon, but the knee surgeon didn't know either.

NWG has two options:

Option one: There is in fact nothing wrong with his knee. It's all in his mind. He was tired from last year, he saw Bangladesh on the calender and thought to himself, nope, not this tour. I'm skipping it. This is perfectly plausible. Strauss has a legitimate excuse given he has to use his brain more than anyone else in the team. But Anderson? No excuse aside from injury would work. So he uses the old 'oh, it feels a bit tender,' points to a certain area on his knee and says 'there, that's where it hurts.'

Option two: Anderson does actually have a knee injury. It's there. Somewhere. Just no one knows where or how to find it or how to cure it. NWG has a sub-theory on this: voodoo. Australia have combined their efforts, and when everyone thinks they're having tea during a test, they're actually chanting around a fire with Anderson's knee on a picture board with wickets stuck in to it. NWG has no clue how to stop this from happening, aside from the England team doing the same thing to Mitchell Johnson, Ricky Ponting, oh fine, NWG means the whole team.

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

England Win. Oh Yes. It's True

After all the tension, when things looked like they could go either way, England rose above the pressure from a nation and won the series against Bangladesh today.

Alastair Cook has a 100% record as a captain (almost unheard of). Who needs Andrew whats-his-name?

The best news to come out of this tour is surely that Ryan Sidebottom has proven that he's too old/too moody/has hair too long/is a pain/has an ego that is disproportionate to his level of skill and will now hopefully be permanently dropped from the England side.

Which means there's room for one Matthew Hoggard in the team.

Friday, 19 March 2010

A Cricketing Love Story

This is what always happens.

Boy meets girl.

They fall in love.

She's pretty.

He's a sporting hero.

And then Act II begins.

He's under pressure.

She's sad because people see her 'private' photos.

He's embarrassed that he has to deal with her issues.

They break up.

She's heartbroken and cries.

He's relieved and scores a century.

The End.

Monday, 15 March 2010

History And Cricket Go Hand In Hand

Once upon a time, in a land far away, where there was no television, no radio, no internet (no NWG? Oh the horror), where Matthew Hoggard was just a glint in his great, great grandfather's eye, where there was no Twenty20, no hawkeye, when life was simpler and no one worried about the end of Big Brother and what was to replace it, where no one had heard of Britney Spears and that was alright.

The year was 1877. English cricket was just a baby, all young and sweet and incapable of knowing what it wanted.

And then came along a little country you might be familiar with. Their name was Australia. They were on the other side of the world (which was really far when you can't get a flight via Singapore, but have to take the boat which takes six weeks depending on the wind). They liked the game. Even more, they liked to play England. For the rivalry was clear even back then. Beating England was important.

For it was on this day in 1877 that England played Australia in the first ever game of Test cricket.

Where gentlemen ruled the game.

Where there was no Ricky Ponting (though Glen McGrath was just a baby and considered too small for their bowling line-up).

And how did this merry story end?

Well, Australia only bloody won by 45 runs.

And so it had began.

Australia really have been beating England for a really long time.

Happy birthday Test cricket. You rule.

Friday, 12 March 2010

Today. Actual Test Cricket. And It Was Great....Wasn't It?

Cricketers view playing Bangladesh as a good way to up their averages (see Alastair Cook). To spend some time in the middle. To practice playing that shot they've always wanted. To get a tan. To play in an empty stadium. To get some air miles.

But not for Kevin. At this precise moment NWG guesses that he would pay a large amount of money for that precious run that meant he missed out on another century.

It's just not his day.

It's just not his year.

When will his luck change? When he loses the ego? When he stops thinking he is the best player in the world and accepts that he might just be a bit better than average? When he realises that the England cricket team does not revolve around him?

KP needs help. Anyone who thinks they can provide him with some perspective/advice will be rewarded with a.........oh let's be real. You won't get anything except that warm feeling inside when you know you've done your country a good deed.


Wednesday, 10 March 2010

The Problem Of CWAGS

NWG is well aware of how troublesome her gender can be.

We moan. We criticise. We demand. We nag.

We sell our stories to magazines when we find out our photos have been leaked for huge amounts of money.

We demand our fiancees to return from tours to reassure us that we still have a meal ticket...whoops, NWG means, a relationship.

We don't mind if this means our country is without their vice-captain. We are more important whilst our looks are still intact and we can fit in to tiny dresses that show a bit too much.

We mess up tours.

We confuse our husbands when we get pregnant and make them forget what their job is.

We are CWAGS and we are here to stay.

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

What's Happened?

The world has gone mad. Officially. No, NWG has not just been to see Alice in Wonderland or taking advice from ex-Welsh rugby players sucking pennies (oh come on, really?). She's talking about England's performance in their warm up game.

Things that are normal:

KP failing to score runs.
Trott scoring runs.
Bell getting out before making a half century.
It's cold.
They never show the warm-up games on TV.

Things that are not normal:

Plunkett actually playing a game, he's bowling and everything.
Flintoff being a captain on the new sports quiz show.
Cook bowling. Yes, that's right. This is what happens when you become captain. You think you are suddenly the greatest cricketer in the world. You are not invincible. You cannot bowl, as evidenced by your bowling figures.

5-111.

No. That is not a typing error. He bowled five overs for 111 runs.

Now NWG is no genius, but even she can figure out that those are bad numbers. And even NWG can figure out that for someone who never bowls (NEVER), to start now is just not sensible. Cook would have been better off asking the umpires to bowl. Or England's mascot. Or the massive insects that you can see whizzing about.

May this be a lesson to him for the future. That's all that NWG can ask.

Friday, 5 March 2010

Ryan Is A Waste

And there it is. Ryan is injured and now back home in England.

This leaves England in a bit of a pickle, with Stuart Broad with a bad back (or something) and Graeme Onions still out.

Now, aside from the fact that NWG is not the biggest Ryan fan, his injuries have become a long list of failing body parts.

Andy Flower says it's because he's had a big workload over the last year.

Er, Andy, no he hasn't.

Ryan has hardly played any international cricket. He turned up for the Twenty20 last summer, but then he only has to bowl four overs a match, and his batting has never been too energetic.

This is a sign of a bowler getting old (and karma). There comes a time to put out the bowler to the scrap heap, where he can frolic in the meadows, make daisy chains and swim in the lake just for fun.

But will Ryan go quietly? NWG thinks not. He will kick up a fuss, he will claim to be fit again and take up a space in the squad, only to dislocate an ear lobe or have split ends and he will ultimately deny a new bowler a cap and a try out in the England side.