Monday, 1 February 2010

No Cricket Makes NWG Sad

OK. So there's no England cricket on the horizon for ages. And this leaves NWG thinking about future series.

Namely the Ashes.

Namely NWG wants to go.

Namely, she can't decide if by going she will just be watching England get slaughtered.

Namely, she's worried that by going she will just witness a bad England display and thousands of Australian fans jeering.

But she still wants to go.

Really badly.

But should she?


Stani Army said...

If you're coming back then we'll let you go. If you don't hope to come back and have plans of settling down with an Aussie fella on a farm somewhere, then you're not allowed to go.

The Nightwatchgirl said...

Stani - of course NWG would be coming back. You think she could survive in a country like Australia with their cricket team?

And no, there's no Aussie guy on a farm for NWG. She's a londoner through and through.

Stani Army said...


Good. Watch out for the venomous snakes and apart from a nice tan, don't bring back anything else.

The Nightwatchgirl said...

Not even the secrets of the Australian bowlers or Ponting's eternal weakness?

Stani Army said...


Because then England will beat Australia all the time and that will be boring. Think about it, would you really have it any other way (than it is right now). We have to be careful what we wish for you know Mare, because it might just happen.

That and the fact I worry for your safety whilst in possession of secrets like that....especially now that you've announced it to the world.

Mr Wizzy said...

Must say that's an interesting use of the word 'boring', Stani.

I'd use 'joyous', myself. Or 'fabulous', 'exquisite', 'glorious', or 'a-fitting-payback-for-sixteen-bloody-years-of-pain-from-the-Skippies'.......

I want those sixteen years back, and the best way is to inflict ditto pain upon the Aussie cricketing/drinking public.

And upon their flies, too. [Buzz-Buzz]

I want to drink their salt tears, as yet another mob of Cornstalks meet their pre-ordained doom at the hands of No! NOT England's finest, but some kind of England Extra 'B' combo, perhaps featuring primary school children, random members of the public (to be selected in a raffle) and the cast of 'Legally Blonde'. Oh, and Jonny Wilkinson, too. Just because. :)

Thinking about it, though, sixteen years would be far too brief a time to savour all the subtle nuances and delicate joys of grinding the Bogey Greens into the dust.

What I'd actually like is for this happy state of affairs to see me out, to the extent that my wee descendants will listen wide-eyed to my tales of 'ye olden times' when England actually used to lose to Australia, and will think that Grandpa's telling them a fairy story.

I've probably got a good fifty years or so in me yet, so there we have it: Australia may be permitted to win a test (just the one!) in the year 2060. Make it so.

Being extra-greedy, I'd like a similar programme mapped out encounters between England and the Sarfies, too.

We can still sometimes lose, however, against Pakistan, India, NZ, WI, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Bhutan and The Vatican City State Select XI, just to keep our feet on the ground. And they are all to thrash the Aussies and Sarfies as well.

A whole lifetime of my Aussie sister-in-law pretending that she's 'not really interested in cricket'. Rapture !

And absolutely not boring at all.

Unknown said...

The group tours sound quite expensive. Aus will make a big show of looking for revenge. They will have an endless stream of fast medium bowlers to throw at the tourists. The Eng batsmen werent quite good enough in the 09 series, but got lucky with weather etc. If they are bringing the same lineup out, the same weaknesses to accurate bowling will come out. Its will be a long tour and dont expect much joy, but at least the beer is cheap and good, even if you cant buy decent beer at the grounds.

They are going to lose because the ball doesnt swing so much in Aus. Of the bowlers, Broad looks the most likely, but he needs to get his length right and he wont be given any time to adjust to conditions because of the ridiculous tour planning these days. Harmison actually quite well at the end of the Ashes tour, he was almost unplayable with the bounce he was getting at SCG, but he doesnt want to tour anymore because it involves going overseas. Hoggard was the most consistent bowler on the tour but he hasnt been seen since. Maybe there is hope if Flintoff makes a miraculous return and is something near fitness.

Stani Army said...

No, you're confused, you don't know what you're doing. You'll lose your Britishness if you win and come first. To be British, we must always be s**t at the things we invent. We must come second, have high expectations but continuously fail. It is the reason you have 50 years left in you yet. That hope, which is always followed by disappointment, and then hope keeps you alive, keeps you going. If you win and come first, you'll probably drop dead on the spot. Don't mess with destiny Wizzy, don't do it.

P.S, How you gonna explain to your grandchildren why grandpa likes Johny Wilkinson? Actually, how you gonna explain it to me?

Unknown said...

i like how he clasps his hands together before he kicks the ball, that is the essence of Jonny, like the switchhit for KP, Hoggard's bedhead, Cook's lush eyelashes, Harmy's ten foot high bouncer.

Mr Wizzy said...

Thanks for your concern, Stani, but I'm not confused at all, I promise. Honour bright.

If you read my previous post again, you'll see that I've factored in hope/disappointment/hope etc by permitting the England XI to lose some matches against the rest of the current Test countries and a few others into the bargain. I see that Canada have just given the Irish a good shoeing, and the Afghans seem to be coming on nicely too, so there's two more potential sources of delicious H/D/H ready and waiting to extend my lifespan.

Comrade Bob should shuffle off ere long as well, so let's add Zimbabwe to the happy mix too. Yay!

Thus we have it.


"Oh, I hope we can put up a good performance against the Windies (or Canadians or Afghans)"

"Oh, I hope that the Aussies/Sarfies can at least stagger on into the third day."


"Oh dear, we've lost. Where does the Papacy keep finding these fast bowlers?"

"Oh, dear. If it wasn't for the four overthrows and the six wides then the poor dear plucky Aussies wouldn't have even reached double figures would they ?"

There you go. Ripe old age here I come !

(Makes meerkat noise).

Stani Army said...

Steady on, women are not that bad.

Your symptoms are much worse than I thought. We may have to put you down, just to save face.

Rob said...

> And no, there's no Aussie guy on a farm for NWG.

Is that where they grow Australians?

Stani Army said...

Alright alright, she's yours, you can have her.

I heard they used to grow 'em here, in Blighty.

Anonymous said...

The Ashes is too far ahead to think about. With the Aussies injuries problems, all the current attack could have come down with the bubonic plague by then. I'll have to spend time researching on crapinfo for some knowledge on the latest round-faced, sandy headed bowler to get a baggy green.

Well, MJ is a bit of a cockroach. He'll probably be out there, still wandering around close in, looking slightly dazed while running someone out. Wish he could bowl as straight as he can throw.