Friday, 28 May 2010


The rules of being the new boy:

Make the tea.
Clean the boots of the entire team.
Accept all jokes will be aimed at you. And you must laugh. Really hard.
Get at least one wicket.
Pretend that KP is the nearest thing to god.
Never mention the fact you are born in the UK and half the team wasn't.
Call Andrew Strauss captain. Never Andrew. Or Straussy. That goes for KP too due to the fact he still thinks he's captain.
Don't speak until spoken to.
Don't drop a catch. Seriously, that's kind of an important one.
Don't grow your hair so it's curly and long and ridiculous.
Try and emulate the greatest bowler there ever was (we all know who that is, NWG surely doesn't even need to mention his name). You won't be able to, but you can at least try and it's a good starting point.
Don't outshine the other players. If you have too greater day it'll only mean the team will resent you. Slow and steady wins the race. Fact. Just ask the tortoise.
Be interesting in interviews. Tell the media you like Take That, or bird-watching, or play the tuba. This will almost guarantee you a spot on Question of Sport which is where all sportsmen make their pocket money.
Hold your drink.
Make your facebook page private.
Don't go out with a model. It's tacky. Buck the trend.
Don't ask Ravi Bopara about batting advice. It's just like rubbing salt in the wound and also his advice would mean you would forget how to bat.
Don't think that just because you got picked for a series against Bangladesh that you're on the plane to Australia.
Equally if asked by the media about the Ashes this winter never say England can win, or Australia aren't as good as they were. You will be severely injured if you make it by the entire bowling line-up. And it won't be pretty.

This should ensure you last the next couple of days.

Don't say NWG never did anything for you.


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Stani Army said...

Errrm, this guy did what to be in the Test side? (Apart from being Caucasian that is)

The Nightwatchgirl said...

He was born in England. That's always a good start. Oh no wait. Scratch that.

NWG doesn't know.

Stani Army said...

Yes you do, you're just not saying.

For a tall guy he collapses too much at the crease at the point of release. He will have early success but once he is worked out, he will go for some. He also seems a bit blonde to me Mare. That definitely won't help him. Will be dropped before too long. I expect a post title "...ished" when that happens.