NWG's Cricketing Translation Service Part I

Ponting - "I am devastated not to be playing at Sydney."

Translation: "I am more relieved than you could possibly understand. I will be at home in Tasmania with my devils and chicken schnitzel."

Andrew Strauss - "Of course we want to win at Sydney to win the series."

Translation: "I don't care."

Peter Roebuck - "South African born Kevin Pietersen etc. etc."

Translation: "Generation Y, Aussie, Usman Khawaja."

Michael Clarke- "I'm certain Punter will be back ASAP."

Translation: "Because I can't score any runs either and I don't have the excuse of a broken finger."

Ricky Ponting- "My finger got more broken and that's why I can't play."

Translation: "Shane Warne sat on it."

Graeme Swann - "I'm so happy."

Translation: "I'm drunk."

Ian Bell - "Chris Tremlett is really tall."

Translation: "Chris Tremlett is really tall."

Simon Katich - "My ankle is fine. No worries."

Translation: "Even my tendons have abandoned me."

Doug Bollinger - "My hair is natural."

Translation: "If by natural you mean my hair has been sown in to my scalp."

Tim Neilsen - "The challenge is to make sure Mitchell Johnson is relaxed, thinking well and thinking clearly."

Translation: "And even then he's rubbish."

Philip Hughes - "I am pumped and I can't wait to get out there. Mentally I feel really good and I am hitting them good in the nets, which is always a good sign."

Translation: "If only the nets were the same as playing in an actual Test and I wasn't pumped full of cotton wool to make me look taller."

Michael Beer - "It was good to meet Shane Watson and Ryan Harris in the Qantas Lounge."

Translation: "They thought I was the waiter, until I explained I'd been playing cricket for, like, three months and I was in the squad."

Steve Smith - "It's about making sure everyone else around is having fun, whether it be telling a joke or something like that on the field."

Translation: "Just don't ask me to bowl. Or bat. Or field."