Exclusive: Interview With Ryan

NWG couldn't believe her luck this morning when her phone rang. Who was it? Why were they calling so early?

Well, it was none other than Ryan Sidebottom - NWG most favourite player - demanding an interview on NWG.

She could hardly say no, could she?

So here it is. In full.

NWG: "Hello?" (Yawn.)

Ryan: "Is this NWG?

NWG: "Yes. Who's this?"

Ryan: "It's Ryan. Please interview me so I can make people like me."

NWG: (Yawn.) "Er. Ok. Anything in particular you want to talk about?"

Ryan: "Yes. My hair."

NWG: "Alrighty. How's your hair?"

Ryan: "It's luscious. It's thick and curly. I don't need to be taking pills like Michael and Warney to keep it all long and lovely."

NWG: "Good for you. (She thinks he's after sponsorship for a brand of shampoo) What's your hair routine?"

Ryan: "I'm glad you asked. On a match day I have to be at the ground at 8am, so I wake up at 5am to start getting ready. I wash my hair with Frizz Ease shampoo and conditioner. Then I comb it very carefully...."

NWG: "Right." (Yawn)

Ryan: "....then I call my hairdresser, who always stays in the room next to me and he comes over to put the rollers in."

NWG: "So your hair isn't naturally curly?"

Ryan: "God no, it's straight as a ruler. But I do feel that because of the shape of my face, that curls do help me look a little bit slimmer...."

NWG: "Right. Of course."

Ryan: "So Jamie, that's my hairdresser, then blow dries my hair with the curlers in and Bob's your Uncle, my curls are back."

NWG: "Do you use any products to keep the curls all bouncy throughout the day?"

Ryan: "Just a bit of serum and I'm ready to go really. In my early days on the cricket circuit I had really short hair, I just couldn't be bothered with the styling, but I knew one day I would play for England and that meant you needed a good hairstyle. I mean, look at KP when he first started playing for England. That badger style - it was genius. And he got noticed. That's all I've ever wanted in my whole life. To be noticed and admired. It's especially brilliant when I get a wicket..."

NWG: (Inaudible sound of stifled laughter mixed with the sound of NWG's tea being knocked over.)

Ryan: "...Because all the boys come over and rub my head and stroke my hair. I love that part. That's what gives me the fire to take wickets. The admiration from my team."

NWG: (Inaudible. Sounds like NWG is saying "It's the shock, more like.")

Ryan: "If I ever start losing my hair like Straussy or Trott, I'm going to retire."

NWG: "Have you ever thought about wearing a wig if that happens?"

Ryan: "No."

NWG: "Who's your hair idol?"

Ryan: "That's an easy one. Botham in the '80s."

NWG: "Well, thanks Ryan. That's been a brilliant and insightful chat."

Ryan: "Thanks NWG. Please can you stop writing horrible things about me now?"

NWG: Click. Dial tone............

Hair And Sportsmen: What's The Link?

Obviously, as you are all aware, NWG is an upstanding citizen; highly read; greatly regarded; extraordinarily intelligent and terribly witty.

It may come as some what of a shock to know that she reads (on occasion) The Sun. Yes, that's right. She's in touch with the masses.

And it may also come as a surprise to you and to her, that on the back page was a little advert for some kind of hair-reversing-bald remedy.

And guess who it was?

None other than Mr. Funny: Michael Vaughan. And as he says: "They've answered my hair loss problem."

Well whoop de doo.

This got NWG thinking. What it is about sportsmen and going bald? Is it more likely as a sportsman that you lose your hair or is it just the ex-sporting type that are willing (or broke) to advertise for it? And why is it always cricketers (Graham Gooch, Shane Warne etc.)?

Does playing sport mean that you are more likely to lose your hair? Is it wearing a helmet? Is it all the head scratching moments when you don't know what to do?

So many questions and so little answers.

Who will be next? Andrew Strauss? Matt Prior?

Captain Cook

So it comes to something when a new England captain is announced.

And not just anyone. It's Alastair Cook.

Mr. I-can't-score-that-many-runs-most-of-the-time.

Mr. I-wear-eyeliner.

Mr. I-don't-really-look-like-I'm-thinking-most-of-the-time-let-alone-organise-a-team.

NWG can't decide if this is a rather large mistake. Strauss will be out of the game till May. There's not much batting to do sitting at home twiddling your thumbs.

How To Keep Your Feet On The Ground

Michael Vaughan, a pretty good commentator with an actual sense of humour, has said publicly what many have believed in a long time.

Stuart Broad is too big for his boots.

NWG therefore decided she should give Broad some handy hints to keep in touch with reality.

1. Remember you are not Andrew Flintoff.

2. England are not, and most likely never will be, the greatest cricket team in the world. Ever. So you cannot justify having an ego.

3. NWG would still ID you if you wanted to buy alcohol/get in to an 18 certificate film.

4. You haven't even started shaving yet.

5. If the wind blew really hard, you'd fly away. Have a meal once in a while.

6. If your dad wasn't who your dad is, it is highly doubtful you'd be where you are now. Harsh, but true all the same.