Andrew Strauss: The Musical

Opening number:

Andrew is on the stage alone (under spotlight). He is wearing his whites and holding a cricket bat in one hand and a ball in the other.

Music starts.

Andrew:

I'm tired of all the fuss and the fighting,

All I want to do for England is to win,

Bangladesh is far and Cooky needs a chance,

It can't all be on my shoulders.

Little dance.

Andrew:

(chorus)

When I was young, I wanted to play for England,

Now that's happened and I all I get is grief.

Why why why why can't I be like Ponting?

The rest of the England team come out all wearing their whites.

Alastair Cook steps in to the spotlight (needs ridiculous amounts of eyeliner and mascara).

Alastair:

Yes, I'm not the greatest.

Yes, I'm still young.

But I can really bat and be captain,

It's only Bangladesh after all.

Kevin Pietersen:

I messed up my chance by trying to rule the world,

Now all I have is Jessica and a baby on the way,

I've forgotten how to hit the ball,

But that's fine,

It's a small part of playing.

Everyone dances for a while.

Stuart Broad comes to the front of the stage (we've tried, but he really can't sing, so he needs to speak his lines).

Stuart:

My head has got too big,

I think I'm better than I am,

I won the Oval Test after all,

Where would England be without me?

Daryl Harper comes out stage right. The England team surround him. We hear him yell:

Daryl

I'm sorry. It will never happen ag..........

Curtain down. End of Act I.

Shane: Your Mouth Is Too Big For Your Face

Yes. The mighty one has spoken. You remember: he used to play a bit of cricket for Australia. Liked the girls. Liked his food a bit too much. NWG thinks he may have got a few wickets to his name too.

And now he sticks his oar in precisely where it's not welcome.

Andrew Strauss shouldn't be missing the Bangladesh tour, he says. It won't help him or the England team for the Ashes, he says.

Don't remember you saying that to Ricky Ponting when he went home during the ODI series last summer. Or is that because Australia are exempt from criticism?

Shane: stick to your day job - promoting hair replacement therapy.