Saturday, 29 May 2010

Rain Is Fine

Because they are forced to fill.

And they are forced to fill with England v Australia in the Twenty20 final.

And NWG can never get enough of that.

So it can continue raining.

Friday, 28 May 2010


The rules of being the new boy:

Make the tea.
Clean the boots of the entire team.
Accept all jokes will be aimed at you. And you must laugh. Really hard.
Get at least one wicket.
Pretend that KP is the nearest thing to god.
Never mention the fact you are born in the UK and half the team wasn't.
Call Andrew Strauss captain. Never Andrew. Or Straussy. That goes for KP too due to the fact he still thinks he's captain.
Don't speak until spoken to.
Don't drop a catch. Seriously, that's kind of an important one.
Don't grow your hair so it's curly and long and ridiculous.
Try and emulate the greatest bowler there ever was (we all know who that is, NWG surely doesn't even need to mention his name). You won't be able to, but you can at least try and it's a good starting point.
Don't outshine the other players. If you have too greater day it'll only mean the team will resent you. Slow and steady wins the race. Fact. Just ask the tortoise.
Be interesting in interviews. Tell the media you like Take That, or bird-watching, or play the tuba. This will almost guarantee you a spot on Question of Sport which is where all sportsmen make their pocket money.
Hold your drink.
Make your facebook page private.
Don't go out with a model. It's tacky. Buck the trend.
Don't ask Ravi Bopara about batting advice. It's just like rubbing salt in the wound and also his advice would mean you would forget how to bat.
Don't think that just because you got picked for a series against Bangladesh that you're on the plane to Australia.
Equally if asked by the media about the Ashes this winter never say England can win, or Australia aren't as good as they were. You will be severely injured if you make it by the entire bowling line-up. And it won't be pretty.

This should ensure you last the next couple of days.

Don't say NWG never did anything for you.

Thursday, 27 May 2010

NWG In Court

And so another summer begins. And so the sound of willow echoes around Lord's.

England (the World Twenty20 Champions) against Bangladesh starts a juicy summer and winter and frankly NWG is excited. There is so much cricket ahead. There's just one problem:

NWG has jury service at the end of June and she's worried it will interfere with her cricket watching.

Do they let you watch the cricket whilst sitting in a trial? Is it a valid excuse to say you can't be picked because you have tickets to see England v Australia? Can NWG sit refreshing her phone to know what the score is whilst she's supposed to be concentrating?

She needs answers.

Monday, 24 May 2010

England Cricketers Go To Downing Street

David Cameron: Welcome you warriors of England. Please enjoy some champagne.

KP: I have vague memories of being here before, but when? I was definitely wearing sunglasses and was going through my badger phase, but why was I here?

Paul Collingwood: This is great. Being captain rocks.

KP: Don't rub it in.

Graeme Swann: Where's the garden?

DC: Don't even think about it. I've installed sensors to detect pee.

GS: Damn it. I was going to post a picture of myself on Twitter having a tinkle.

Craig Kieswetter: I love England.

KP: Me too.

Eoin Morgan: Me too.

Michael Lumb: Me too.

Ryan Sidebottom: Me too.

CK: Ryan, you idiot. You're not part of our club.

RS: Fine. I'll just stand in the corner.

Entire England squad in unison: Good.

There's a knock at the door.

Ravi Bopara and James Anderson: Can we come in?

Entire England squad: No.