Friday, 15 July 2011

India

So NWG is just super busy, what with touring Canada and America and all and just hasn't had a moment (what with all the dresses and hairstyling) to update. Apologies.

And all of a sudden the ODI's are over (don't worry, NWG did watch in between schmoozing with Nicole Kidman Reese Witherspoon). The last match was a cracker.

And now there's India. Which brings several problems to the fore:

1. India are better than England. No explanation necessary.

Actually, she thought there would be more problems, but apparently only one is needed.

Thursday, 30 June 2011

ODI At The Oval

Yes, NWG was there. Her first bit of live cricket since the Ashes (what memories).

And she got there and it rained. So...

She went home. Hung out. Watched TV.

Then went back. Oh the dream of living so near the Oval.

And so she watched England win. And it was fun. She enjoyed herself (aside from annoying couple in front; the girlfriend had no idea what was going on. Boyfriend: At least explain the basics to the poor girl.)

If only England were consistent. If only they played like that every match.

If only....

And Jade Dernbach. NWG has her eye on you. With your tattoos, and your earrings. This is cricket. Remember that.

Sunday, 26 June 2011

The Test For Stuart

OK, so England lost. That's not the point.

NWG would like make several observations.

1. Ian Bell has stubble.
2. KP is going grey.
3. Stuart Broad can give a good interview.

NWG is surprised by two of the three.

She didn't realise Ian Bell was old enough to grow a beard. She was impressed by Stuart's ability to string words together to form a coherent sentence.

And KP going grey? It's not really a shock. All that hair dye will do that to a man.

Friday, 24 June 2011

Shane Warne The Woman


Has anyone apart from NWG seen the photos of Shane?

NWG is concerned for his gender.

It seems a couple of months with Liz Hurley and a few botox injections changes a man....and not for the good.

Cricketers are not supposed to age well. They've spent ten years in the sun, roasting away like a chicken. Their skin is supposed to be crinkled, leathery and wind burnt.

Not smooth and wrinkle-free.

Shane - NWG says save yourself. Stop visiting the dermatologist and get back to washing your face with the rain and not La Prairie moisturiser.

Monday, 6 June 2011

Is KP Kaput?

He's a wild one. He knows no limits. He has tattoos. He has a ring that he won't take off. He's had blue hair. He's had red hair.

But can he bat?

NWG knows she can't be too harsh on him. After all, now she's a Duchess, she has to be kind and smile a lot (it hurts her cheeks). But really he hasn't scored any runs. And really, what's the point of KP without the runs?

He doesn't even have red hair anymore.

Or the badger look.

Is this just a bad time? Does he not care anymore? Does he wish he was another South African born batsman?

Monday, 30 May 2011

Who'd Have Thought?

Now NWG doesn't want to go on and on.

But.........

Today was a great day.

England showed that not only did they bring the Ashes back with them from Oz. They also brought back some ruthless game-winning tactics.

At least it wasn't a totally wasted trip.

Graeme Swann is well on his way to becoming a favourite of NWGs. And Chris Tremlett.

But she can't really warm to Stuart Broad. She's not sure why. Something about his attitude that grates. He's not very English. Or he's not English enough. Either way, she's not sure about him.

And before you ask. Yes, NWG is practising her French for her big trip to Canada with the husband. And no, she will not be posting her honeymoon pictures on NWG.

Some things are private. But if you really must know. Her latest dress is from Topshop. And very nice it is too.

Friday, 27 May 2011

Sri Lanka Day 1

Ok. So NWG has been slightly absent of late. It's been tough. She can't lie.

First there was the big wedding. Couple of billion people watching - it was no big deal.

Then there was a massive reception which was slightly intimidating, but it's fine because NWG doesn't really eat anymore.

Then the big holiday to the islands, which was nice. NWG almost got blown away by the wind though.

And now NWG is back. Aside from a few commitments here (meeting the First Lady in her clashing outfit - the shame) and some dinners there (it's an art practicing to look like you're eating when actually you're not), she can now enjoy some cricket.

Oh the excitement! Oh the drama!

NWG has missed late starts due to rain. The nice white outfits and seeing Broad looking hot and bothered.

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

What Happens To Cricketers When They're Not Cricketers Anymore

Years ago, when cricket was a simple game, cricketers would stop playing ("I want to spend more time with my family") and move straight to TMS ("Sorry family") or Sky.

Now Sky is full. TMS is full.

Cricketers: There is no more room in the inn.

So where do they go?

Case study: Andrew Flintoff.

1. Morrison's advert. Showing acting versatility with just a hint of desperation.
2. Get your own TV show. So what if it's on ITV4 and no one watches it?
3. After dinner speeches. Freddy is obviously an inspiration to all. Money well spent.
4. Threaten to turn out for your brother's local team in Lancashire.

Life isn't so bad for him, is it?

NWG feels that a shallow life after cricket is inevitable. There is no hope after you retire.

Case study: Ricky Ponting.

1.
2.
3.
4.

See?

Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Farewell Ricky

And then there was none.

Australia have lost their captain in the wash/on the train/down the back of the sofa and now they're stuck with Michael 'I can bat honest' Clarke.

But NWG would like to take a moment to pay her respects to Ricky.

For it was he that insisted on using his face as a bat occasionally when playing against England.

And it was him that decided the best thing to do during the Winter was pick Michael Beers.

And it was him that thought the best course of action during the World Cup was to resign as captain.

Because despite his temper and his belief that if he shouted at an umpire they would go back on their decision, Ricky was a pretty handy batsman, and NWG, despite everything, will miss his face when he gets cross.

Sunday, 6 March 2011

South Africa (England) v South Africa (South Africa)

South Africa (England) beat South Africa (South Africa).

And how South Africa (England) made NWG wait for it.

Not the greatest of starts either by South Africa (England), but all's well that ends well.

NWG just has one topic she needs to discuss:

South African (England) player Ravi Bopara.

Should Paul Collingwood just go and make way for Ravi?

NWG is starting to think so.

Friday, 4 March 2011

Luck Of The Irish

England lost. And then came the criticism.

And no one thought to mention hair. And hair colour to be more precise.

It is a known fact that dyeing one's hair increases exponentially the chances of winning.

Those who need to have pink/green/blue hair:

KP.
Ian Bell.
Andrew Strauss....alright the whole England team.

NWG knows that Clarins to a cracker of a job at covering the grey. NWG feels she should send over a large pack to the side immediately.

Monday, 28 February 2011

OK. There Is Cricket. NWG Is Interested. Promise

So there was the Ashes. Then the ODI series. Then a break. Then the World Cup.

NWG never thought she would say this, but there is just too much cricket.

And now she'll move on.

First things first: the draw. Bravo Andrew Strauss. NWG knew you had it in you. And Ian Bell: start replacing your fluids before you get cramp. That's just fitness 101.

But now to the important bit. It seems the cricketers have not been doing so well without NWG.

Ricky, this is for you:

What to do when stressed and you want to break the television with your box:

1. Sing the song from Sound of Music. Raindrops and roses etc.
2. Think of the Urn...(no wait, that's wrong).
3. Calmly discuss your problems in a rational manner, knowing you can only control so much.
4. Run when your partner says run.
5. Stop assuming all fielders are inadequate.
6. Have a spicy curry.
7. Look at Michael Clarke and see the future of Australian cricket (no, wait, that won't help at all).
8. Realise Australia can't rule forever.
9. Remember that every cloud has a silver lining.
10. Violence is never the answer.
11. It's only a game.
12. At least it wasn't against the Netherlands....
13. Retire.
14. Say things like: 'At the end of the day.' That always seems to help.
15. Buy the DVD boxset of the Ashes. Seems to have done the trick for NWG.

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Is There A Series Happening?

With all the excitement from the Ashes, and all the excitement as to how one team can go from being good to being really bad (and vice versa), NWG feels rather removed from the cricket.

And so, like every English person in February, she looks forward to the summer. Skipping quickly over the World Cup.

Not long now.

Where the sun will be warm. And NWG can go to the Oval and watch the cricket. Oh the luxury, not having to travel to the other side of the world and surround herself by old Australian men.

Sri Lanka and India.

Just get through the World Cup and all will be fine....

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Well, Who Knew?

Yes England won.

Finally.

And Jonathan Trott can bowl. Rather proficiently.

England are just full of surprises today.

Friday, 21 January 2011

Shoulders Are A Tricky Joint

Poor Nathan. No sooner had he got chucked out of the team for no reason, replaced by a young spinner who didn't seem to know what he was doing, who in turn got replaced by another guy who definitely didn't know what he was doing and then got reselected after selling all is Australia kit, rolled on a ball and dislocated his shoulder.

Life is cruel.

Still, there was an upside. Australia won. Again. This is getting tiresome.

NWG doesn't know what to suggest other than:

1. Bat better.
2. Bowl better.

Is cricket really that simple?

Thursday, 20 January 2011

It All Makes Sense

Graeme Swann has a "strangely deformed left knee cap."

He's out for two weeks.

It all makes sense now.

Only great cricketers have a deformity.

Ricky Ponting: Deformed face which magnetically attracts cricket balls.

Chris Tremlett: Deformed legs, arms, torso, neck having been stretched to oblivion.

Andrew Flintoff: Liver, obviously.

Alastair Cook: Deformed eyelashes. Weirdly long.

Kevin Pietersen: Ego. Greatly deformed and out of all proportion.

Sachin Tendulkar: Lack of growth hormone (also applies to Ian Bell).

Dale Steyn: Deformed by looking like Roland Rat.

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

ODI's: Are They Worth It?

Well, quite a lot has happened since NWG's last post.

Well, not that much, but Australia are winning again. And that's not so bad. It makes it interesting again.

NWG was kidding. She has not adopted the Australia of old mental state. She is well aware that England are just a team who can lose as well as win.

But what's with all the booing?

She doesn't get it. Are Australian fans mean or just bad sports?

Answers on a postcard please.

Saturday, 8 January 2011

Farewell Australia. Thanks For Everything.

OK. NWG is over the shock. She's over the jubilation and joy.

And now she's basking in England's glory.

NWG would like to say she believed those people who said England would win 3-1. But she didn't.

She didn't have the faith.

Actually, it had nothing to do with faith.

She thought Australia were a good team.

Apparently not.

Actually, it wasn't that Australia were bad. England were that good that they made Australia look that bad.

She never thought on that day way back in November when she was sitting innocently at the Gaba, watching Siddle get his hatrick that it would end this way.

And she is now very glad she was there that day.

Because November 25th marked the end of Australian domination in Test cricket.

It took long enough.

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

An Ode To Paul

Oh Paul,
NWG thinks you rulel,
Even when you couldn't buy a run,
You still got Hussey out,
And that counts.

England salutes you.

Monday, 3 January 2011

Sydney Day 1

All NWG has to say is:

She wants to be Shane Watson's girlfriend.

Mainly just for the 'oh no' comment as he watched the ball go to the slips.

But also, because obviously NWG is amazing and wonderful, he would want to marry her and then, obviously, he would play for England.

Win win.

Saturday, 1 January 2011

Happy New Year

NWG would like to take this opportunity to wish all a Happy New Year, especially the Australian readers. Without your country, NWG would be a lot less happy right now.

So.

Cheers for that.